I’ve got a little case of the big sad

I guess I’ll just start. I’m not depressed, never been diagnosed one way or the other. I have a therapist who I see weekly to help manage my ADD and impulse control issues.

Part 1: I’ve had a hell of a month so far. I was on the dating apps and met a guy for dinner. We ended up getting wine and he stayed the night. A few days later he told me he had an incurable STD, because of me (I have never tested positive for anything and have never had any symptoms - not even a cold sore). I immediately went to the ER to get tested. He stopped taking my calls and wouldn’t respond to messages (I can attach the screenshots of our convo if you’re interested) and blocked all of my socials so I couldn’t reach out to him any sort of way. My friend used her phone to text him. He responded to her calling me a wh0re and that he “wasn’t surprised he caught something”. Finally after a few hours he said it was a prank. A late April fools joke. I was dumbfounded, flabbergasted, and honestly a little heartbroken. We had been talking for a while and he let me into his world and I him. I thought everything was fine. That all happened on a Friday and by Monday I had gotten all my results back that I was negative for everything (with HSV 1,2 you’ll never know unless you have a flare up, or don’t). That all happened the beginning of the month (obvi because April Fools right).

Part 2: I scheduled an appointment with the therapist while all of this was going on, but she canceled it thinking it was a duplicate/mistake (it’s a virtual session so I couldn’t call or state the reason for the visit). The appointment was for Monday, and our usual sessions are on Fridays. So I was feeling a little spun out, but that’s alright, I still had our regular session. I was on a work call that ran long so I was late to the virtual session, and it disappeared… I wasn’t able to talk to her that day either. Big bummer but ok, can’t change it just scheduled the usual session for this Friday. Part 3 had happened and I really just wanted to vent and talk it out with my therapist. I called my friend and vented for a minute but there’s more on why I have a hard time turning to her later.

Part 3: A few days ago I was chatting with my mom. We both WFH so we talk nearly every day. Somehow the topic of ab0rtion came up. While we both believe everyone has a right to make their own decisions, my mom was going in on how I should be more of an advocate. She brought up a choice I made when I was 19. She told me how she had to “dig deep” and really “explore herself” on the choice I made (it was not a light choice, I spent days agonizing over it, understanding the pros cons and the full weight of the decision). She was pregnant with my sister, she was 42 at the time. She insisted we could raise them together like siblings. I made my decision and have stuck by it since. I don’t broadcast the info and only my closest family/friends know. She finally said “well you’ve never known the love from a child so I stood by you and supported you while you made that decision”. I’m 29. The thought of never having kids scares me but I know I made the best choice I could 10+ years ago. I wouldn’t be where I am today and I definitely wouldn’t have had the same opportunities. She knows how I feel about a family someday.

I don’t know if I’m really looking for advice or just words of encouragement. My friend is a wonderful support but she always comes at it with a lot of logic to pull me out of the situation quickly. Like almost too quickly? At my grandma’s funeral in December, she kept saying she’s in a better place, and not in pain. Like can we talk about how great she was and how wonderful of a person and not that she’s dead…? I love my friend and she’s my rock sometimes but I have a hard time turning to her for support because she also just is so matter of fact about things that it’s hard to feel validated sometimes. Reddit is taking the place of my journal right now. Insightful strangers, lend me your thoughts. My mercury is in retrograde (or whatever they say) and I’m kind of crashing out. Thanks for reading!