All of this just to survive

Been really feeling so much grief lately over who I’m seeing I am - the ways I realise my brain functions and the ways it doesn’t. All that passes through it each day just to simply make it to the end - rationalising, understanding, guessing, expecting, jumping, trying. And so many big feelings I rarely understand. So damn tired of being so tired - no energy for interests, too anxious to do nothing. When I do feel optimistic, working so hard to find people on my wavelength to find friendships which suddenly end; a knowing in my heart it was for something I am not. And all the time feeling so few people understand, that no one ‘gets it’. I burn out after months in a job, dreams of a career I am fulfilled in gone, and when I think of the future I don’t know how I’ll make it. Realigning my dreams with the reality of my capacity is a grieving, and that grief is so real.
I’m sad to share more sadness but I’m feeling so hopeless today. Doing my best to find ways to keep going.