I’m afraid of change & I’m an enabler. This a vent & a cry for help.

First post here.. Growing up has been somewhat difficult for me. Having parents that are set in their ways, lacked in healthy conversations, sexual abuse, interactions felt fake, sibling parent, favoritism, anxiety inducing..etc. For a decent time in my family home, I was prideful. I thought I was an adult because I took over/care for bills, cleaned, helped my parents with things around the house. Some of the stuff I did was willing and other times I was afraid to say “No”, “It’s not fair” and so much more. But when I did complain, it was frowned upon and there was defensiveness and push back that made me grow internally bitter against my family. Growing up I’ve developed a people pleasing and noodle back bone personality……. I’m a good person. I am a good person and I have a good heart. I love my family. It’s been 2 years since I’ve moved out and I’m better off now in my own corner of peace. But I am struggling to be the person I inspire to be. I don’t push myself. I lack self discipline. I “love” to be pitied and felt sorry for but I can’t afford to do that. Believe me when I say I do grant myself some grace on the “hard days” and bed rot for a few hours or doom scroll. But I’m hurting myself, my partner and my future. Part of me wants to blame it on depression or undiagnosed adhd because I will not make change until it’s close to a due date or the consequences add up. I have these ideas to better myself, will do it for a few weeks, feel better/feel healthier, and once that feeling/interest/short burst ends; I’m back at square one. My partner supports me so much and constantly pushes me to better and will give tough love and given me the “talking too” talks. It’s been a repeating cycle. I’ve grown tired of the cycle but not tired enough to stick to healthy habits. I’m ashamed. I love myself n who I am but I am ashamed…