Still Don't Know What That Weird "Help" Was About

I've been scared of my dad for as long as I can remember. It's not even like a specific thing he did all the time, just this constant underlying fear that made it impossible to even say a word to him. I'm not trying to paint myself as having "daddy issues" or claiming to be traumatized, it's just the reality of my experience.

My mom, bless her heart, tried to "help" me once by sending me to a relative. This was years ago, and the memory is super hazy. I just remember being told to close my eyes and lie down in this dimly lit room (always smelled weirdly of onion, garlic, or fish). Then this relative, who btw doesn't even have a psychology degree, would ask me if I was comfy with the lights (spoiler: never was) and just start grilling me about my relationship with my dad. Still have no clue what that was supposed to do. Oh, and apparently, this same relative now goes around saying bizarre stuff to people when they shake hands! Glad that was a one-time thing for me.

The thing is, I've never felt close to my dad, and honestly, I don't see it happening. Even something as simple as locking my bedroom door sends him into some kind of paranoia spiral. Like, what does he think I'm doing in here?!

It's wild seeing people online talk about missing their dad after a night away. That's just not my reality at all. That kind of connection is completely foreign to me. And honestly, with him being home 24/7, I never feel settled or at ease.