He did me a favor

TLDR; pwBPD discarded me by leaving me in another state by myself. Scared to get my things back from him as I don’t trust myself not to fall back into the cycle.

I’ve been discarded at least 3x. Constantly made to feel like I’m the problem. Wouldn’t take accountability for almost anything, and when I would try to bring up his faults in an attempt to resolve things he deflects to something I’ve done months ago. His response to everything was always something I apparently did to trigger him.

We tried couples therapy, and while I think we started to make some progress he would talk the entire time explaining why he reacted to something a certain way. I could rarely get a word in.

He love bombed me in the beginning. Talked about marriage, kids, buying a plot of land together with a farm, etc. within the first 3 months of meeting. Consistently told me no one’s ever made him feel the way I have. And I overlooked small tidbits of his blow up’s because the level of affection he showed me was something I’ve never had before. And the sex was top tier honestly.

Maybe I love bombed him too because the way I show people I love them is buying them things they’ve said they needed, doing things for them, taking them places, and introducing them to things they’ve never experienced. I bought him flowers, took him on extravagant trips and dates, small gifts of things he’s mentioned he liked. Tried to get into magic the gathering so I can take interest in his hobbies (I just couldn’t get into that, lol) he loves Pokémon and squishmellows so I’d get them for him…. So maybe I did do too much in the beginning….

At 7 months I noticed the change. Low blow after low blow when we’d fight. Blow ups that were terrifying. A couple hours or even a day would go by with me receiving a lengthy apology message, him telling me he loves me and he’d rather go through this life with me.

He would he off on himself for small mistakes like writing something wrong, dropping something, forgetting something, etc. it got to a point where I was scared to say anything or do anything wrong because of his reactions.

But yesterday he did me a solid. We planned a trip and got into it at the airport once we landed. He was so upset he went back to the counter and booked a flight home. He left me in another state by myself. I got so drunk last night I called him about 12x with no answer. Called a friend I was previously in the military with who stayed on the phone with me for 2 hours because I was contemplating unaliving myself because I couldn’t stand the pain of feeling how I was feeling in that moment. He checked on me this morning and begged me to go outside. It took a minute but I showered and have been sitting in the sun since, I’m currently sitting outside now lol.

I had the courage to delete every picture of us and him, deleted all the playlists I made for us, blocked him on all the socials.

But I will say I’m terrified to go back home. He still has some of my stuff and they’re important things I need so I have no choice but to reach out to get those items back. This has happened before where I needed to get things from him after he broke up with me and I’m sucked right back in by his apologies and saying how he’s gonna do better and fix himself. I’m scared that I can’t do it without folding. I’m scared I’m going to fall back into this. I could use some words of encouragement, if at all possible. I don’t trust myself to be strong enough to not go back… I’m honestly so scared, yall.

Thanks for listening