Only now realizing tje impact of being raised by mentally ill people.
First of all, I (25F) want to disclose that english is not my first language, so I'll probably make some mistakes. But I just want to share my experience with people who went through similar experiences because it's so hard to find someone who understands. Even when people wanna help, it's clear they have no ideia of what's it like to be heavily emotionally and psychologically abused for several years. And in my case, there's a spin: spirituality. It's going to be a little long, sorry.
I was born in a very religious, cult-like family. We were very poor (although I always had what to eat and wear) so I think it also impacted my experience. Poverty makes you feel even more hopeless. Anyway, my mother is most likely BPD and my father has a lot of narc traits. I have almost zero contact with him nowadays. He and my mother would fight a lot, most of the times over money, his infidelities or some crazy religious belief they couldn't agree on. I want to make it clear that I'm not criticizing any religion, but instead my family's approach to christianity. Since I was a baby, there were things I could not do because they saw it as bad. I couldn't have dolls or clothes with animals/flowers printed, beacause my father's church believed that exodus 20:4 meant one could never imitate god's creation. I could not wear jeans or black/red clothes until up to 10 years old, as the church used to say it was the devil's colors. My father ripped apart (as it was on my body) a t-shirt I was wearing to go to school one day because I had gym class and the t-shirt revealed my shoulders. My mother had a custom made shirt made for me to wear to school because the uniform was pants but in their view a woman can't wear pants.
My mom sometimes opposed him in this and other things, but she had crazy beliefs of her own and it only made her behaviour worse. She believed she could not work because all of her time should be dedicated to her church. She would not let me read any books (one of the things I loved the most in the world) besides the bible. When I had some money and started buying books, she more than once set then on fire (as she saw it as "purgation" or something). I was not allowed to watch most things on television, apart from some cartoons and light movies deemed as "harmless". Was prohibited from listeing to music that wasn't christian as well. In short, I wasn't allowed to do anything or have any kind of fun or leisure.
But my mother's personality made everything so so much worse. Because from a young age I would question my father's actions and beliefs (also she would always talk shit about him to me, so it only made me angrier). But with her, I felt so much pitty and compassion that for most of my life I never questioned her actions, even when they hurt me so bad, because even as a child I could see it came from a place of fear and pain whithin herself. When I was around 10/11 yo she said to me she couldn't understand how I was so happy and seemed so out of touch with the reality in our house (my father cheating on her) as if it were my job to defend her and care for her all the time. So I internalized it was. She would argue with him and scream and cry and even break things. And I would get desperate and think what could I possibly do to lesser her suffering. I annihilated myself and internalized her every belief, trying to be the best, least "problematic" child I possibly could. She was also terrified of going to hell, and her sisters and her have a long history of mental illness that border on psychosis, so they would say they saw or heard things (like demons) and that the devil was out to get us so we could not make any mistakes (mistakes being whatever they labeled it as). I don't know if I really believed this things at the time (don't have many memories of childhood and teen years honestly) but my mother believed it so much and was so desperate all the time. She would cry and say that I could not trade god for crumbs of this world (ie living a normal life). I remember one day she caught me sneaking reading a book and the next day she had a breakdown about how our house was haunted by demons and she was scared they would get her, so I needed to help. I went to school crying that day. But I always hid my feelings and my weeping so much, because although she would cry all the time, she didn't want me to. She couldn't handle it and said it only made her feel worse. Much more "small" things happened, but the pinnacle of her spiraling was when I was 17 (and my first year of uni), she cut contact with her family (and I should too) and spend several months not saying a word, in a silence vow, and eating almost nothing. She thought god was upset with her and this would appease him somehow. By that time, I left church. She went on with this for months, not spoke to her family for years, then she switched and started talking again. She set fire to a lot of my clothes and make up, stole 10k from my father and more. After years she said she "realized" that it wasn't god talking to her. And, as always, she expected imediate forgiveness from everyone. As she did from me. Everytime I would oppose some hurtful behaviour, she would cry and scream and say I'm a difficult person and that she wanted to die because apparently she can't do anything right. Currently we speak to each other but don't live together (me moving away was also the subject of lots of crying and emotional blackmail obviously).
So in short this is my life. I suffered from so much sadness and anxiety my whole life. Always felt like I was watching other people live but couldn't do it myself. I had few friends over the years and always struggled to mantain them beyond school. I felt so diferent and ashamed. Not just because I was a weirdo using different clothes and with no knowledge of what the real world was like because my parents would not let me do anything (that too) but because I somehow felt like I was never enough. Like I was invisible. As a child I would ask my mother to spend some hours playing with me (I'm an only child and was not allowed to play with the other kids in the street) because I felt so lonely. She alomost never did, even though she did not have a job and could spare the time. I was kept away even from family members, because only she and three of her sisters (she has five) followed this cultish mindset and they saw themselves as the only ones worthy, I had her forbid me from seeing family members or keep gifts that were given to me. I always felt so left out and alone. And even then I pushed through, I thoght I could be strong enough for the both of us, since she appeared to be so unstable and fragile. I thoght more about her than myself. I never really considered any of my own desires and needs. I didn't fight anything, not even the abuse. I wanted to be happy and have fun, but I could not handle the ideia of being a burden (she used to make it clear that I couldn't be). I convinced myself I had no needs. I did very well in school. But I did none of the things teenagers usually do. I convinced myself that I was more mature than everyone. That I didn't care for anything "childish" and had no desire for intimacy or dating. I was seen as very serious and closed off, even rude (I was told so many times by friends and people who knew me at the time). Today I see that that was me protecting myself. I carried so much weight (for me and for her) that I could not stand. I wanted to die or dissappear so badly many times from a young age. I think I somehow dissociated from my feelings and life in general as a way to cope. To this day, I never had a boyfriend. Only last year, when I started living on my own, I had something similar to a romance. But the guy turned out to be a terrible person, as usually happens fo us that experiend abuse. That sent me from the general, ever present crippling anxiety into a full on depressive episode. For the first time I let myself be vulnarable enough to be close with someone and care for them. Then I saw the full extent of everything I lost all my life. It's not about that guy, I don't even remeber him anymore. It's about all the relationships and experiences I never had because I needed to shield myself. Not just romantically, but even platonically. I was always scared that my friends secretly hated me. That I was a burden for them. I never wanted to get really close to anyone and would not disclose my life to anyone. That lost me some people I really loved. And prevented me from really developing intimate, loving and honest relationships. I'm so traumatized and scared that one of the assignments my therapist gave me was to ask for a hug from a friend. I never really believed that anyone could possibly take any interest in me, or want to do things with me or for me. I feel so alone and hopeless. As my life passed and I lost it. I know I'm still young, but a lot of things just won't come back. Everyone seems to be living so much more and doing much more things and being much more loved. I feel like such a failure because I believed that if I was good enough, strong enough, I could scape them and be happy by the time I was grown up. But I'm not. I want my childhood back. My teenager years back. Without being held hostage to other people's beliefs. Without having to be the mother to my mother. I'm so tired and feel like I never got to rest my entire life. I don't really see where to go from here. I just wanted to have a normal life, a normal family, and people who love me.
Posted Apr 15, 2025, 7:36 PM UTC