I feel that my mother should hate me.

My mother is really close to all of her family, that includes my oldest cousins since she is the youngest out of six siblings and they are actually really close in age.

One of my cousins was recently diagnosed with a cancer, and a couple of weeks she decided to throw a party for her birthday and that the whole family should go. We all really wanted to go there on Saturday (the day of the birthday) and we were all really excited to see her.

A little notice, my cousin lives 2 hour in a car drive from the rest of the family since my aunt moved away with her children, that's why we were all so excited since we can't see them that often.

I woke up on Wednesday feeling sick and that same night my parents had to drive me to the hospital. It wasn't nothing serious (just the common flu) but I didn't get fully better for Saturday and we couldn't risk my cousin's health because of me, so we stayed at home.

A couple of days ago they had to bring her to the hospital since her health dropped really fast and she might not recover. This is either a chance of a life in a wheelchair barely able to move or actual death, and this is really fucking unfair and I'm pissed because she doesn't deserve this.

My mother is devastated because of this and I can't help but thing that I might have taken away her chance to see her one last time. My aunt said to us not to come since she is really nervous and she gets worse when she receives unexpected visits.

I just don't understand why she isn't mad at me. I know that it's a stupid feeling and that it's even narcissistic to make this situation about me since it really has literally nothing to do with me. But I just think that mum should blame me somehow, because I deserve it. We might lose my cousin and we weren't the only ones who weren't at the party when we could last seen her because of me. It's my fault and it seems that I'm the only one who see it.

Please, don't make this post blow up. It's easy to track back to me and I don't want that. I just wanted to get this off my chest but I don't want to tell it to someone because it is stupid, we have more important things to worry about than this stupid feeling.