Burnout

Good evening, I've been feeling a bit down for a while now, I thought I'd vent here and maybe get something positive out of the discussion this post might generate in the comment section.

I'm a 22-year-old italian woman with a bachelor's degree in literature who has been struggling with her brain for years to get up and live as any ordinary person would do every day. There are times when I feel like I have more control over the situation and others (like this one) when nothing seems to be going right.

Where to start? Maybe it would be a good idea to make some mini paragraphs:

STUDYING and HOBBIES: I have always been a studious person. I consider myself sufficiently curious and I have always achieved excellent academic esults (not that this is a signal of intelligence, I consider it to be something different, a skill I don't quite possess). My high school choice was semi-imposed on me by my parents (they told me to choose between scientific and classical to make it short), since having a C1 in English and wanting to attend the linguistic one would have been like 'cheating' for me. I admit that I then made the mistake of enrolling in the scientific one out of spite (in reality I ended up just self sabotaging, they were happy about it) or to prove to them and to myself that I could succeed even when I showed particular limitations in something. The experience was heartbreaking, between classmates with whom I couldn't bond (some sons of rich men, some unmannered kids to put it lightly, some like me.. a bit on their own) and study rhythms that were nothing short of crazy, subjects I didn't care about and bully teachers. I came out of it well, however, graduating about three years ago (100/100, but without honors, perhaps because of a few bad grades in chemistry I had). Choosing a university wasn't easy, but after a year of careful consideration I opted for literature. The three-year course was pleasant, or at least it seemed that way for three years, until I felt like I was hit in the face by a train. I have the impression that the education I received was lacking (more rarely praiseworthy), that there are too many gaps in university programs entrusted to the personal taste of professors who always recycle the same old speeches about the the same three poets, ignoring the possibility of dealing not with Pavese or Quasimodo, but at least with Pascoli or similar authors. The master is terrible to say the least. I'm taking three courses, all three on Dante, two of which are on Purgatory and Paradise respectively. Between professors' absences due to sickness or missing classes because of their trips and conferences, we arrived at Easter (courses are almost done) in the first case with 4 canti (imagine they're like chapters in Dante's Commedia) explained and in the second 15 canti NOT-explained (I refuse to consider these farces anything remotely similar to a lesson). The professor teaching the Paradise refused to explain the astronomical-theological problem of the moonspots because "it's too difficult, it takes time, do it yourselves"... and in the meantime, in addition to the canti, we have to manage an inhuman amount of books and essays that in turn are not discussed or mentioned in class. I am a commuter and every day I waste 50 minutes to walk from home to the train station (and viceversa) and 3 hours on the train/subway and I have classes 5 days out of 7, two of which until late afternoon. The free time to manage the amount of work I have is minimal and certainly this type of non-lessons does not help to speed up the process of studying. Leaving that aside, I happened to finance my studies thanks to a merit-based scholarship (my average in the three-year course was 29.7/30) until they decided to first reduce the money prize (because apparently if you are a model student for two consecutive years you deserve less money than someone who only gets the first year done decently) and then reject my application because I had anticipated a third year exam in the second year. I have seen people with an average half mine and a family income three times mine win it. A blow to my pockets, as well as to self-esteem. I do everything I can to not make my parents spend money, but it was not possible for the third year alas. Now I feel like I've reached my limit and I'm fed up with it, there's no meritocracy, there's no care and respect for the subject being discussed, there are no benefits for students who don't have a house within a metro stop of the university (despite covid providing the means... hello? meet and teams exist!), there's nothing. The more time passes, the more disinterested I am in everything, and it hurts to see myself disinterested even in what I hoped could become a profession one day (I won't open a parenthesis on access to a teaching career and the recent changes to the access process, because here my talking would end and my swearing would begin). My mental tiredness is such that I can't even enjoy what I've always (or almost) enjoyed doing: in four months I've only read study manuals, I can't get through any novel; I haven't seen a movie in at least three months, nor have I listened to music assiduously anymore (and here I realize that the situation is degenerating... on average in the past few years I listened to 4-5 new EPs/LPs daily + music from my big big library). The little free time I have I spend staring into the void, or trying to do something, and then not finding the energy to continue with it.

MENTAL HEALTH/PHYSICAL HEALTH: "a healthy mind in a healthy body" (mens sana in corpore sano) I told myself and tried to make this principle a daily goal. Since I was a child I have been large both verically and horizontally, until I stopped growing in height and became purely obese. The situation degenerated around the age of 16 (163cm, 94kg) with a diagnosis of polycystic ovary syndrome and hyperinsulinism/insulin resistance which certainly justified part of my tendency to accumulate fat. I treated the disease for a few years with metformin, reaching a stable weight of 84kg, but obviously I was still too fat. After numerous failed attempts, last year something clicked in my brain and in the span of a year I lost a lot of weight, reaching my current 58kg. Last year was definitely better in terms of mental health, and this perhaps contributed to me obtaining good results. This month I started a body recomposition program - still having a substantial excess of fat mass (BIA says 41%) - and minimal muscle, but the situation has become stressful. I can't reconcile a low-calorie diet (1200-1300 calories for a year now, except for a few days of break), my normal daily activity (cardio, usually walking) and gym activity (even if light since I'm just starting out). From the energized I had become, I feel flaccid, tired, perpetually exhausted to the point that even climbing a flight of stairs requires a superhuman effort. Some days I barely reach my daily calorie goal because I feel like I'm not hungry, on others it doesn't seem enough at all and I would eat the entire pantry. I realized that the control exercise I've been doing for a year is closely related to my state of mind. If I'm well I'm regularly hungry and I have the energy to exist as a human being, even if I'm physically tired, if I'm mentally sick it's total chaos. In addition, the constant comings and goings from one place to another, the time that training requires, having to cook and count every single portion and doing meal prep take away so much time from my routine that obviously I can't find time to do anything. I've always done everything myself (as it should be, at least in my room!) ... now I'm ashamed of having to ask my mother every now and then to wash my floor or dust my desk. I'm 22, I should be the one to do these things at home (which I do to the extent that I can... I cook for my sister, fold the towels, hang out the washing... things like that). Obviously this also applies to studying: maybe I read or summarize a chapter and then it's time for dinner/bedtime so... goodnight.

SOCIALITY and LOVE LIFE: I have never been a particularly sociable or extroverted person. I only need a few trusted people to get by and I have three dear friends... or so I thought. Long story short, it's been months since I felt comfortable with the person I consider (?) my best friend. All my friends live in different cities (I live in central Italy, one lives in France, the other two respectively near Milan and Naples). My best friend moved to the North to study in a prestigious university and now seems to lead - as she should- a life of her own. She is not very present, she has always been reticent but now it seems like I have to force any moment of introspection or conversation that is not her sending me a photo of her cat. Our political ideas have turned out to be very divergent (my family is historically left-wing, she considers herself closer to the values of the "economic system" promoted by the center/right... a good excuse to say that she votes for whoever is in the interests of her family, that to keep her in Milan every year at a private university is certainly doing well financially). Her behavior is ambivalent. I'll start by saying that I'm queer and that she also had a 'homo' moment, before getting in a relationship with a man and pretending that nothing ever happened. Obviously she didn't tell me anything about this guy for months. I still don't know what he looks like. I barely know his name. She says she doesn't like talking about me to others (I think she doesn't like talking point blank at this point), that it's her business, when she's drunk and texts me in the middle of the night, then ten days can go by and if I don't text her the conversation doesn't move forward. When we were younger, I admit that I had feelings for her (feelings I still have to fight to this day, it's been a hellish decade), but I had given up considering her to be heterosexual. Then I found out about her interest in a woman and I understood that it wasn't a problem of sexuality. She simply didn't like me... or at least I thought so? Every now and then she comes out with some joking phrases that throw me off. We all saw each other at my graduation, and obviously my weight loss was evident. She complimented me excessively, made me feel uncomfortable with phrases like 'you look cute we should date' which I obviously ignored wanting to maintain a shred of sanity on the most important day of my life. There is ONE rule for us sapphics: no situationships, no falling in love with straight friends. My brain refused to follow it, so I have to resort to strong measures. For my mental health I have started a period of detachment/no contact, as difficult as it is. Obviously I miss being able to talk to her about anything, but the rational part of my brain realizes that she misses an idealized person, who exists in her fantasy. I don't want to fall back too much on my two other friends, even if I notice that I'm pestering them more now that I don't want to deal with my best friend anymore. The thing is, man or woman (I fall into the bi-pan spectrum, I don't really use labels other than queer though) I'm 22 and I think it's normal to want to be desired. Everything has its due time, but my lack of social life and inability to interact socially in a normal way now (how do you fix 22 years of being a loner loser?) preclude me from making new acquaintances and possibly exploring this field. Unfortunately, I am not conventionally attractive (I won't say ugly because that would be cruel to myself, but borderline) and my low self-esteem is a deterrent as well. Yet again something awful to think about daily. No amount of gym, yoga or studying can compensate such a strong desire. I live well with myself, too well, I am too self-sufficient, but I need something more.

These paragraphs could've been longer. I could've complained more about my useless degree, the fact that I'm looking forward a precarious job at best, my skinny fat body, my poor social skills and my unrequited feelings but as I said, per the title... I am tired. However, I do feel like what I have/am experiencing is more universal than it seems to be. Hence why I made this post, in the hopes of finding someone able to enlighten me and perhaps show me some other way, a route I have yet to take and explore to better myself.