"Pausing" my ED and fantasising about restarting

I'm on holdiay from uni at my parents house for 2 weeks, and they're very observant and aware of my eating habits, so I'm essentially having to pause my usual eating habits - measuring food, counting calories, restriction etc etc - until I go back so they dont get suspicious.

While I'm here, I figure I may as well lean into it, and enjoy the 2 weeks of crappy food and unknown caloires before I go back to my routines and rituals. I feel disgusting and I hate myself, and it's as if I can physically feel the fat forming around my insides and my belly beginning to bulge and my face getting wider and wider. But I would feel this loathing no matter what so I may as well take what perverse pleasure I can from the food I usually deny myself - I'm viewing it as a "detox"/reset button and hopefully it will actually help push me in my weight loss going forward.

The way I cope with this is to obsessively research weight loss methods, research nutrition, plan meals, and add things to my shopping cart in preparation to my return to restriction. I fantasize about how I'll lose the weight I gain over these two weeks. It weirdly helps calm me when I start to panic about what I'm eating.