PMDD has been ruining my life over and over again for 20yrs+ It's wild to come here and be understood.

PMDD ruined my career, my marriage, most of my friendships, my relationships with my family - everything.

And it keeps ruining it all over and over and over again. I want OFF this ride.

I've seen so many doctors about it. Misdiagnosed with depression more times than I can count. About 5yrs ago I finally figured out what it was and tried to get treatment, which has been a nightmare in itself.

I have a blood clotting disorder, so I cannot take birth control meds.

I reacted so badly to SSRIs that they did genetic testing on me and discovered that I lack the enzymes to metabolise them. Like, ALL OF THEM. My doctor said she had never seen anything like it.

So then we tried estrogen gels and it...was okay a bit? Like maybe 10% reduction?

Now the doctors shrug. All out of ideas.

So every month I grit my teeth and try to get through. I twist myself into knots doing all the recommended things and none of it matters because I still end up every month crying my eyes out on the bathroom floor for hours, yelling at strangers, texting cruel things to anyone who gets on my radar, traumatising my kids, generally making huge messes I spend the rest of the month trying to clean up. Honestly. if I didn't have kids, taking the out would be a given.

I fear every day that I've passed this down to my daughter. If I have, I will never ever forgive myself, because I know that it is better to have never existed than have to live like this.