[505] Excerpt: BIGSUN (dystopian sci-fi)

Hi all!

I’ve been lurking in this sub for a while, and I’ve finally got a piece I’d like some feedback on. I’ve given some ideas of questions I’m hoping to answer, but I’ll take any and all ideas. (Post written on mobile so apologies for formatting!)

Link to Google doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16DrIhVDqXG297_WfWvb8W49u131DNWoMAhti9t0Zp5k/edit?usp=sharing

Writing style, tone and structure: The character is 12, and so the voice of the piece is intended to embody that in some ways, but not too much so as to turn off an adult reader. Is it successful? Does the sentence structure feel reminiscent of how a child talks? The paragraphs are long — does this hinder enjoyment of them? Is the very small amount of plot / backstory lost within the structure? Are there any lines which feel particularly nice to read, and any that stick in your throat? Where are you tripping up, and why? How does the last line land?

Setting and worldbuilding: Does the way that the lore is introduced feel natural, or is it edging close to info-dump territory? Some of the language is unfamiliar, especially the morphology, but does it feel too jarring in the context of a dystopian fiction? Description is a weak point for me, but do the characters and settings feel “real” enough? Are you interested in the world they inhabit?

Characterisation: This piece is admittedly quite telling and not showing, but it’s somewhat intentional. Does it create too much of a divide between reader and character? Does Andy remind you of anyone you know? What about the other characters — does it feel too cluttered, or succeed in giving a sense of close-knit community?

The rest of the chapter continues on in a similar style, and so I think the main question is love to have your thoughts on is: Would you continue reading a chapter on Andy’s world and the people in it, or would you DNF it?

Link to crit, let me know if it’s not enough and I’ll do more! Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/WQQqjsdIO1