Is my mom going through menopause? Because if that’s what this is i’m terrified for my future

I’m seriously at my wits end with no where else to rant about this other than to strangers on reddit.

I don’t think I’d ever say my mom (50f) is a nice person. she has the care to do nice things for some people but she’s always been a bit mean spirited and quick to extreme outbursts. one of those diet focused type almond moms who had me on every fad diet she could find growing up and outright called me (25f) fat but would also rescue any animal or old person in need. it has seriously escalated into something evil the last few years, maybe it’s always been that way and she just hid it well from us kids all this time.

i first noticed it when my paternal side grandma died, my grandma had fast acting dementia and regressed very quickly. she was so openly mean to my dad in this time that i was very disgusted by it. my dad got the news she passed while they were out car shopping and my mother threw a fit that they would not be leaving and they would be buying her the jeep she wanted that day. then when my dad went to get fitted for a tux for the funeral she was making shitty comments the entire time about how he never dresses up like that for her. then when they went to the funeral it was a whole thing about how they needed to get home because she didn’t trust the person she put in charge to take care of the animals. (it feels worth noting to me that my dad has poured every penny he has ever made into letting her follow her horse trainer dreams my entire life). during this time my dad was paying for a cell phone and food delivery service for my maternal side grandma also because no one else in my moms family was willing to care for her.

the next big incident happened when my dad took a job in north dakota because she didn’t want to live in california anymore. i took a week of vacation and flew up to go see them and we decided to go to the bar because my dad and i love to play pool. while we were there the bartender working had previously kicked my mom out apparently for dancing on the bar was working and someone else made a shitty comment to her about it which sent her off on a whole rage meltdown. she was screaming at my dad and i while kicking out the windshield of the jeep mentioned in the previous paragraph (not the first windshield she has kicked out in a fit of rage) and when my dad asked her to please take some deep breaths and stop she ripped apart the bracelet that my paternal grandma left her and flung it across the parking lot. when i made an attempt to collect the pieces of it i got screamed at about taking my dads side or something. we finally convinced her to get in the car to go home and the radio not working set her off again and she started trying to jump out of the moving vehicle. when i tried to hold her so she couldn’t until my dad could make a safe stop she punched me in the face. after we got home i had no desire to speak to her because there’s no point in trying while she was so drunk, which got me screamed at more through the walls. in the morning she came into the room and cried because she punched me and told me it was because i accidentally scratched her.

the most recent incident that has me even considering if i should ever speak to her again was because i went to the emergency room with severe stomach pain and found out i had a 23cm tumor on my ovary that had to be surgically removed. after we found out i was working on plans with my dad for both of them to fly out to my house because i was worried about being alone and 40 min from an emergency room when my husband had to quickly return to work after my surgery. she decided she couldn’t come because she has a horse show and needs to work her horses for it (i had no issue with this and understood) but my dad was still coming out with my brother. he initially planned to drive out before the surgery but four hours into the drive he had to turn around because my maternal side grandmother died. he went home and spent time with her helping her get things arranged and my mom told me she told my dad to still come out to help me with recovery for a few days. my dad got here the day of my surgery and everyone expected it to have to be a laparotomy due to the size of the tumor but luckily they were able to figure it out laparoscopically with smaller incisions. by day three post op i felt good enough to move around so my dad thought it would be good for me to sit up in the car and get out a little bit so i took him on a tour of the new town we moved to that he has never been to before. (also worth noting that he has been calling to check on her multiple times a day this entire time) i gave her a call so she could kinda feel included in my tour and her response was “oh i didn’t realize this was just a fun vacation without me there” and then hanging up. after this the only time she would talk to any of us was when she was being passive aggressive about how we are just all having so much fun without her. every time my dad called her to check on her just consisted of her telling him about how he left her there alone. my dad left early because i felt pretty okay and he wanted to be there to help with funeral arrangements for my maternal grandma. i’m now 7 days post op and she still has not once asked if im okay or how im doing after getting a 17lb tumor removed but i have called multiple times to check in since her own mother died during a shitty time.

of course any time you try to have a discussion about things she does that hurts other people it goes one of two ways. either we’re all just sooo mean to her and she doesn’t understand why or “yeah i get it im always the problem, it always my fault, im a horrible person who can’t do anything right” crying.

there’s so many more of these instances i could write you a book, but i guess my questions are: are we all assholes who don’t see her side of things? is this menopause? is this some other mental illness that someone can see patterns of? is she just an evil wench who has hidden it until she felt like my dad was too vested to ever divorce her? maybe im just venting into the void to get it out somewhere. i don’t really care how she treats me, ill still talk to her because she’s my mom and thats what im supposed to do, but i cant handle how mean she is to my father who has given her everything he possibly could in this world for nothing in return simply because he loves her. sorry my grammar and punctuation sucks but im literally sobbing as i type because im at such a loss.