My partner is out of town and I can’t think straight

A few years ago, I got out of a decade + long relationship with a narcissist. Yeah, I know everyone tosses around the word narcissist colloquially… my ex actually was one, and I suffered narcissistic abuse for over a decade, contemplated suicide, lost my identity, and had my spirit crushed until I was somehow able to claw my way out and escape.

Fast forward to a few years later, I moved away to a new town and have completely rebuilt my life and myself (with a lot of help, support, and grace from others). For the first time as an adult, I have an amazing network of close friends, a sense of community and self, and a feeling of home I have never had, ever, in my whole life. I was fortunate to experience a radical career change (again, with some help) and totally change industries which has led to career drive and financial independence- well, we’re working toward that, anyway- for the first time. I ain’t a spring chicken. I live alone for the first time ever and find a lot of joy in a lot of hobbies and interests that were muted or ruined altogether when in a toxic, abusive relationship. I got a therapist, medication for some of my more persistent needs, and I have a small circle of close friends where we talk freely about our mental health. I had a personal break through last year where I was able to come to terms with my sexuality and identity and embrace myself in a new, complete, and authentic way… something that never would have been possible without a loving, supportive community of both close friends and just generally affirming spaces around me.

Late last year, I had a random hookup with a good friend who had been in my life since I relocated and began my healing from my past trauma. We communicated openly afterwards and decided it was fun, so it kept happening. Pretty early on, I realized I was falling in love and feeling those feelings for real for the very first time, despite having previously been in a long term, outwardly committed relationship. This thing with my friend evolved into something more serious after a while, and we recently admitted to each other that we love each other and are feeling things we’ve never felt for anyone before. I can confidently say I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way for and with another person. I didn’t know a relationship could be largely happy and joyful and make me feel so good about myself.

My partner is out of town for quite some time now, and I can’t stop thinking about them. It’s driving me crazy! I catch myself smiling when they pop in my head and feeling warm and good when I think about what they’re doing, hear what they’re up to, or think about seeing them again soon. I’ve been in therapy and recognize anxious attachment styles, and this ain’t it… I’m just genuinely, shit eating grin happy and in love. It’s safe and peaceful and steady. And after everything I’ve been through, it feels really, really fucking good.

Just wanted to shout this from the mountain top and into the Reddit ether than if your shit is horrible.. it can get better, and I really, really hope that it does for you. And all this is to say that my life isn’t perfect or rosy, and there is still a lot of pain that surfaces and hardship that slaps me in the face… but it is to say that there was a long time and a lot of time where barely wanting to be alive and hardly making it out of bed felt like as good as it would ever get… and I wasn’t sure how long I could see myself continuing to feel that way. And I’m so glad that I had the chance to see the other side and learn that all that pain and darkness wasn’t normal, and I didn’t deserve to feel that way all the time, and it didn’t have to define my whole life or my existence.

TLDR; my narcissistic abusive relationship almost killed me, and I’m just now experiencing joy and love and meaning for the first time as a middle aged adult.

I hope with every fiber of my being that everyone who is struggling right now might come out the other side and see, live, and feel the same.