I feel like a glass of lukewarm water.

I am a young adult female recently diagnosed with autism level 1. To be honest, I went after the diagnosis, but I don't feel autistic. I had a lot of difficulties in the past, but I overcame most of them by doing things like public speaking courses and having to find a job. No one believes me when I tell them I'm autistic.

My mother has a very outgoing and funny friend who sometimes goes for walks with me. I really like her, but it's tiring to walk with her because I have to try really hard to express myself, since I have a monotonous voice and few facial expressions and I don't know how to express emotions very well. Even so, I try my best to be more outgoing with her. I'm feeling confused because today my mom told me that she made a joke about me. It was recently my birthday, and as I said, I'm a young adult. Apparently, my mom's friend said that it was actually my 80th birthday, since I'm a very serious and isolated person, and she, who is much older, is super outgoing and lively. I'm not sad, but I'm confused. I thought I was doing a good job of being upbeat and enthusiastic with her, but I seemed to have failed miserably. I don't understand. I feel like I'm a fraud. I'm not autistic enough, nor "normal" enough. I feel like a glass of lukewarm water.

My country gives some discounts to autistic people with the official ID card in some establishments, but I feel like I'm not autistic enough to use it. I don't really identify with any autistic women I know because I'm very "normal." At the same time, The guy I like gave up on me and started dating someone else, an amazing girl by the way, because I pushed him away because I didn't know how to deal with his feelings, I don't even understand mine.

I don't feel autistic, I feel shallow.