Hey everyone, I’ve been reading this subreddit for a few days now and decided it was finally time to post. I’d appreciate honest opinions and advice. I’m trying to figure this out with as much clarity as possible.

I was in a 2.5-year relationship with my girlfriend. We were happy. We communicated well, traveled a lot and had future plans, and even talked about marriage. In April, we decided to move in together. It was a big step. I had always lived with my grandpa (who’s 80), and she had lived with her mom and sister in a home where she often felt disrespected and unsupported. I also have a cat, who is 8 years old and has been with me through everything. When I moved out, I made the painful decision to leave my with my grandpa so he wouldn’t feel alone (He loves that cat). My girlfriend was scared of animals in general, but she agreed with the idea.

When everything started to fall apart: The moment we moved in, I felt deeply sad. I missed my cat, and the emotional weight hit me harder than I expected. I went to therapy to avoid a breakdown, and my therapist advised me to bring my cat to the new home. I talked to my girlfriend (who was aware of how I was feeling and tried to be supportive) but she didn’t want the cat in shared spaces, especially not the bed or furniture. I started to feel rejected and overwhelmed.

I also started to shut her out without realizing it. She’d suggest things for the apartment (decor, layout), and I’d shut them down fast. I wanted to recreate the comfort of my old home, and it made her feel like she didn’t have a voice. Eventually, she broke down and told me she felt I was replacing her with the cat (even tho the cat wasn't there at the moment).

Then she broke up with me. She stayed at home and cried and wanted to talk with me. I told her to go see a friend to help her calm down. When she came back, she said she still loved me and wanted to make it work through therapy and mutual effort. I agreed, and we set clear conditions (she would go to therapy, I will keep going to therapy and also we would communicate better and not use breaking up as an excuse to change the other's opinion). 

Why I ended it: As we tried to repair things, I realized I was still not happy. I felt pressure. And when we were about to finally bring my pet, she said the cat still couldn’t be on the bed out of nowhere (I thought that we were already pass that). That shattered me again. I broke up with her this last Monday. I felt trapped, and I wasn’t sure if I could keep going.

She didn’t cry. She didn’t beg. She left quietly (The opposite of what she did when she broke up with me). The next day she came back with her mom (really aggressive) and took most of her stuff except the letters I wrote her, the gifts I gave, and a bottle of perfume she always used. I don’t know if that means anything, but it hurt deeply.

What I’m struggling with now: My cat is back home with me, and I feel much better emotionally. Therapy has helped. But I’ve also realized that I didn’t just want to live with my cat, I wanted a home with my cat and my girlfriend. I now see my mistakes the ways I shut her out, disrespected her emotional needs, didn’t truly prepare myself for the reality of living together. On the other hand, also I don't allow the way she used my feelings against me.

Where I’m stuck: She still has to come back this Sunday to get more of her stuff. Her texts now are cold and transactional, and I know that’s her emotional defense. I want to message or talk to her, but I don’t know when or if I should. I’ve written a message (happy to post it in the comments if you want) that doesn’t beg or chase but also that comes from the decision to love and not from the pain and accepting my mistakes.

I don’t want to text her too soon and scare her away while she’s still hurting or angry. But I also don’t want to wait so long that she fully shuts me out and takes everything out of the house. I'm sure I want to try it one last time because I know there is something between us that can keep working but some changes need to be made and I'm aware of what to do now because I feel way better now.

Thank you for reading this far.