I feel hopeless, my ed is killing me and making me hate myself to the point i cant keep on living

This is my first ever post anywhere, english is not my native language so i used program to shorten my text and fix the mistakes in spelling so reading wont be burden. Whole post in in my profile. I just wanted to vent.

I’m 20 years old and a girl. Two years ago, I started struggling badly with ed(i got to know it was ed later). I hated myself, and one result of that was developing an eating disorder. I’m 173 cm tall, and in 6 months I went from 81 kg to 49 kg. I was obsessed with losing weight. I felt happy at times, but it was never enough. I always felt fat, had no energy, was always cold, and sometimes fainted.

Since I was a child, I was body-shamed by family and at school. I tried to change myself for years. I also had an addiction to sweets—there were none at home in my childhood, so when I could finally eat them, they became my comfort. After losing weight, I started purging, even after small meals like salad. Later, I began binge eating and vomiting, but with time it became harder to purge. I started gaining weight quickly and couldn’t stop.

When my mom found out, she called me disgusting, and I felt that way too. I kept binge eating without purging anymore. I thought I was getting better until a few weeks ago, when I had a breakdown. I had been hiding in oversized clothes, showering in the dark. When I finally turned on the lights and saw my body, I was devastated — stretch marks, thighs touching, no ribs showing. I weighed now 83 kg.

At 9 years old, I had my first suicide attempt. There were several more, including one less than a year ago when I hanged myself. My heart and breathing stopped, but I was saved by a miracle at last minute. I haven’t tried again because my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I don’t want to cause her more stress. I’ve been diagnosed with borderline, dissociative and depressive personality disorders, ADHD, and traits of autism.i know that that many sound weird coz of how many there is, i felt ashamed and didnt belive my final diagnosis after all those years.I felt like attention seeker(meaby coz of social media) even if i didnt want to be diagnosed. I’ve been in psych wards twice and saw many specialists since age 12.

Now I’ve lost most of my friends. I barely leave my room — only to buy food. I binge eat until I feel sick. I hate myself more and more. I finished high school, but I don’t work. I’m studying, but it’s not going well. I feel hopeless. I have spine issues and an osteoma in my hip, so working out is painful but not impossible. I know it sounds like excuses, but I’m in a very deep depressive state.

I feel like I’m lazy, selfish, and worthless. I have no purpose, no ambitions. I just want to be skinny again, because even though I still felt ugly then, it was less than now. I know therapy and meds might help, but they didn’t work before. I want to hang myself again, but I can’t — because of my mom. I feel like after her surgery, I’ll eventually do it. Life will move on. I’ll be forgotten.

This is my first time venting like this. I don’t know I just needed to. Please dont hate. Thank you for hearing me out.