The Breakup That Ruined Me

Let me tell you the story of a girl who was in my life for a short amount of time, but has caused so much irreparable damage to me mentally, psychologically, and emotionally. It’s a long read, and my apologies for asking for you to read this, but I needed to tell my story, and wanted to hear some feedback from others as I don’t have many to talk to about this. I specifically want female POVs as most of my friends are male. PLEASE READ THIS. It would mean so much to me.

Last year in June, I got into contact with one of my Facebook friends who was there on My friends list for a long time. We never talked much before our relationship, besides the random comment here or there on a meme or status. Let’s call her Beth.

A little about Beth: she, like I, am a huge gamer. We both really get into the games we play and are a part of communities and are just generally heavy into the lifestyle. She had a dream of one day being a streamer and being big like PewDePie or Markiplier. She’s also a convicted felon. Her story: she got into a big fight with her sister one night, mom told them to take it outside; they did just that, neighbors called cops, and then she was charged with a felony for the confrontation. Her sister paid off her felony charge (not sure the correct term here, expungement?). Beth isn’t able to do that as her low hours + disability payments (for BPD) don’t allow her for much extra income after bills.

So one day in early June, I shared a meme gently poking fun of “real gamer girls don’t exist”. I honestly don’t believe this, it was more a troll post, and that’s all it was intended to do: not to upset, but to stir the pot a bit. A few mornings later, I received a message on Messanger from Beth. We get to talking and discovered we had alot more in common than we thought. We arranged to meet. Our first meeting was on June 26, 2024. At that point we had talked for about a week through texting. I was very excited to possibly start dating again, but also dating a gamer was both new, and an exciting premise for me. We talked the whole time and it was so lovely and uplifting. We shared our past stories of interactions, some personal info about each other, video games, and more. By the end of the night we were cuddling, eating the pizza I had ordered, and laughing more about our conversation than watching Iron Fist… and I’m gonna admit it here: I was locked in wholeheartedly. I also want to note for later in the story I told her about my glaucoma disability I was born with. I’ve had lots of potential partners be scared away by this and didn’t wanna hide something I was 90% sure would scare her away, but she said it didn’t change her opinion of me. She only “saw me for me” or something like that.

The next 2 days we had our first kiss and the following day we were Intimate together for the first time and became official. That kiss was pure bliss and I will likely never forget it. It “woke up” my soul as I had told her later. That same day, she asked me for some money to help pay for her car insurance. She was a little short by $40-or so and I didn’t mind helping a little. She had been driving to come see me (I don’t drive due to disability) and I didn’t see the harm of just $40. I was financially very comfortable.

I want to take a moment to write a little about Beth. Throughout our relationship, even the bad times we experienced in the end, she made me feel so comfortable in every way. Previous relationships made me uncomfortable with my hobbies, my disability, my occupation, and more. I just felt so at home with her. I didn’t love her with just my heart, but also my soul. Yes, we were only together for exactly 4 months, but again, those 4 were heavenly, even the decline wasn’t as hard as past relationships…. At first.

We continued to date for 4 months. The first 2 were likely some of the best dating experiences I ever had with a partner. We saw each other constantly, whether that be for a few hours a day, or I went to spend the night with her after work some nights if I had the next night off. I had a full time job at Walmart, she had a very part time job (like barely 15 hours) cleaning at some bank or office building setup. I didn’t care about our financial differences. Money doesn’t define a relationship, feelings and intentions do. We went on trips with her sister’s family and mom. We had late night game sessions and even streamed on YouTube together. I still to this day watch one of our videos where we streamed together and honestly, I cry the majority of time during it because it symbolized those first 2 good months.

The last 2 months were essentially a pitfall of our relationship. Beth unfortunately deals with severe kidney stones. She became very ill with these and massively in pain. She couldn’t work for basically the entire month of September. This halted all of our plans of hanging out or, if she felt alright at one point in the day, the date would be ruined by her pain tolerance and she’d go home. I bought her bath stuff, a massage pad, everything I could think of to relax her and keep her mind off the pain and situation she was in while she waited for not one, but two different surgeries to rid the issue. I’m no doctor nor am I trained on anything medical, but I’d do anything/everything I could to be there for her because I loved her hard. I still took her out on dates on the weekends or bought her groceries when she needed.

Unfortunately, she was admitted to the hospital shortly after the second surgery. On Aug 28th (our 2 month anniversary), while I was working, she texted me at an unusual time for her and told me she very felt hot, in severe pain, and uncomfortable. She was violently shaking. Water wasn’t helping her relax any or feel better. She had thrown up several times and had trouble even seeing and walking. I immediately came to see her with some meds and did my best as a normie to calm her body temp down. Cold rag, room temp water (small sips), a fan on low, etc. but she wouldn’t get any better. I immediately decided to get her to the hospital. When we got admitted into the ER, a doctor told me she had signs of Sepsis and she was in a severe life or death situation. The doctor said that if I hadn’t got her there when I did, maybe within an hour, she’d be dead. As a self-proclaimed atheist, I cried so much and begged and pleaded with every deity in the world to not lose her. That I’d do anything, and I literally meant ANYTHING, for her not to die. In the end, it turned out she had Bacteremia (bacteria in blood and kidneys). She stayed for 3 days and after work everyday I came to visit her with taking Ubers. I brought her food when she was finally allowed to eat and some flowers and a get-well card. She was released 3 days later. After being out of work so long, she decided to quit her job, feeling anxious they would fire her anyway (which was not the truth, her manager begged her to stay and was sympathetic to work with her and being understanding to her situation), also she figured she could make more with disability.

When she was finally released from the hospital, I had a huge surprise for her. For not only our 2 month anniversary, but also to help her dream come true, and to help her boost her income, I bought her an $1,800 gaming computer from Best Buy. I got it on sale and got the insurance and all that. I figured if I was gonna do this, I’d do it right. She’d have everything she’d need. I later bought some accessories for it: webcam, headset, and a Xbox controller (she isn’t a keyboard and mouse player). This of course raised her spirits and got her fired up for her next adventure.

Little did I know, this computer would be the spark of the death of our relationship. We constantly were at her house, and if we were there, she’d be on her computer gaming with her friends online, rarely cuddling or having any intimacy between us. When we were apart, texts, calls, any communication whatsoever was scarce. It just seemed she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Twice I had to contact her mother to see if she was okay because I hadn’t heard from her in over 24 hours. When I did get a chance to talk to her, she would tell me nothing was wrong, that I was seeing things wrong and that she was fine. This behavior persisted the entirety of September and October. I also noticed she lied to her mother about a few money-related issues, mainly taking more than she actually needed. I wondered at that point if she had been doing the same to me.

I then started to notice during the absence of communication some other things. For all of our anniversaries, I was the one who brought them up to her. While I didn’t necessarily need a gift or gesture, I noticed that there really wasn’t any attempt for anything of the sort of our anniversaries. I also had paid for every date besides 1. When I’d come over to stay the night with her, she’d instantly go straight to her computer to play games instead of spending time with me, when we might’ve not seen each other in multiple days or a week tops.

On Oct 26th, we went to a pizza buffet place and Spirit Halloween. Her favorite holiday was Halloween and I wanted the pizza lol. Never during the date did she acknowledge the anniversary or do anything for it. I paid for everything on it and when we got back to her house, instantly went to her computer. I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie or something, to her reply was “You should go to bed. You have work tomorrow.” This was true, but I was willing to sacrifice sleep time to spend time with her. She wouldn’t budge so I did go to bed.

The next day we didn’t talk once. I waited for her communication all day and nothing was given. I was heartbroken. I felt like she had broken up with me silently or moved on from me. Maybe I wasn’t enough? Maybe I did something wrong? Maybe someone was upsetting her she didn’t want to talk about? But remember, when I did ask her, she claimed everything was fine.

Oct 28th, 4 month anniversary, I broke up with her through a text (my first mistake) while I was at work. Unfortunately, she was willing to talk then for sure. She called, texted, and supposedly she came to talk to me at work, but “never saw me”. Later, I asked if she asked any of my coworkers for me (I was pretty well known there from working there for 9 years) but she said she never asked any of my coworkers to come get me so I’m unsure if that is true.

When I got home, she accused me of being a terrible boyfriend, that I never loved her, that I “used her for rides”. Arguing ensued and nothing got resolved. Next morning, in the morning at work, I had a feeling she would be streaming so I checked. Sure enough, she was calling out my disability/health issues and making fun of them, along with other things she hated about me. She made fun of our sex life, how “clingy” I was to simply ask to communicate with my partner (apparently her definition of “communication” isn’t talking/texting, it’s ONLY arguing), and more.

This sent me over the edge. Here I was doing everything I could to please her, give her a life better than she was living before me, helping her get better in life like getting her felony expunged, getting her GED with use of the computer, and more. Giving her passion and attention more than I KNOW I had ever given past partners. Going severely out of my way to make sure that smile and sparkle in her eye never left because of me. I wanted to be her forever safe space. And now, nothing.

Next day, I got cold feet. I sent her a long text telling her my feelings and a lot of my feelings expressed in above paragraphs. She told me she needed some time to think. 2 weeks go by, barely any contact, no attempt at taking or preserving anything we had, or even giving me a deadline on when she might be ready. I tried throughout the 2 week period to let her know I was thinking of her by sending her good morning/good night texts occasionally (not every night, but she would respond “night” or “you too”).

Due to this, I decided I was done. She wasn’t coming back to me. I texted her I changed my mind and I asked for the computer back, as it was still sitting on my credit card. She refused to give it back, and due to me changing my mind, our conversation went scorched earth. I later find out she intentionally was distant, because she was depressed from the surgeries and the whole health issue crisis. Really nasty things were said, nothing was fixed, and likely every opportunity I could’ve ever had to fix what I technically had broken, was done. Social media became our war zone with memes, her streams became “trash talk” streams, made up things were said about me having STDs, being bipolar, and being abusive came up.

November came and I had enough. I moved to NC to live with some friends. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating. I can confidently say that if I hadn’t moved, I would’ve died by my own heartbreak negligence. My friends helped me move my stuff and I was away from IN where her and I lived. My friends convinced me to block her on everything and private my accounts. I followed through and eventually became stable enough to type this all out.

I’m aware I made some significant mistakes in this whole fiasco. I shouldn’t have bought her the computer. I shouldn’t have made some of the “scorched earth” statements I did. I shouldn’t have broken up with her through text while at work.

To this day, she still streams. She still stays on my mind constantly. I have so much regret for what happened. I’m still unsure if I was strictly used, or manipulated, or if I had been clingy or “too much”. She has a new boyfriend now, which severely breaks my heart. I hate that I’m powerless to do anything about this. Deleting our pictures took me forever. I cried so hard on the last, and my favorite, picture of us. I constantly wish I could have a Time Machine to either not get involved, or somehow find a way to make things right. I’m a shell with no closure and I don’t know what to do. I’m not suicidal, I just doubt I can ever give that much to another partner ever again willingly. I’m likely gonna have relationship PTSD for the rest of my life, and my future partners don’t deserve to deal with my new-found insecurities.