I should have listened. Why did I not listen?

617 days sober. It was hard and took daily diligence. I knew, NONE: Not One Not Ever. Until yesterday when I thought I could. My son’s wedding.

A glass of wine to relax and for the toasts would not hurt. The glasses were small so two was really one right? It was a black out night. I remember throwing up into a bag driving home, with our granddaughters in the car. I don’t remember getting them changed or into bed. No exciting chatter about the wedding. I remember throwing up in the bathroom. When my husband wakes up I will hear how I was, I am terrified I humiliated my son, my husband, my daughter-in-law.

Hate is not a strong enough word for how I feel about myself. I am such a disappointment. Today I wish I no longer existed.