I can't understand who am I

It's so damn annoying how life works literally, especially when you are the unlucky one getting the life that sucks, I was born in an almost normal family living with my dad, mom and grandma (mom side) in a house, I loved my childhood so much it was kind of normal except the fact that sometimes my mom had some problems with alchool but it wasn't so often it was like 2 times each month that happened but nothing more than that back then, but I anyways was raised beetween my parents arguing everyday about everything and the fact we always had financial problems like every 2 weeks, in fact I enjoyed those rare moments so much when they were together for some hours getting along well... I was too innocent to understand why they argued and why we couldn't just live normally... Anyways in my first years at middle school (I was only 11 years) my grandma unfortunately died in a very bad circumstance... Medical error that cause her to die of cardiac arrest but only my dad knew and didn't tell my mom since she was in another country and my dad was to worried my mom would do something extreme since alone she was almost always drunk in that period and my dad couldn't even afford to take her the tickets to comeback! Meanwhile me and my younger sister were completely oblivious what was happening with everything and everyone as we stayed at our aunt's house not even knowing that we were skipping school! Later on as everything "stabilized" and we all regained our normal life together... My dad told us that my grandma (mom side) died 2 months before... There everything changed, my mom became an alcoholic and my dad always comes back late to home to not argue with her... I sometimes even needed to defend myself from her sometimes hitting her so hard once that I made her nose bleed... That day haunts me till now still what's the worst thing about it? That we didn't even spoke about it like it was normal! It became normal that my mom drinks everytime she has money! Yeah when we HAVE money cause we most of the month are fighting to literally have some money to eat and pay everything, I still don't have books from my school to study! Anyways let's talk about myself now

I kinda Socialize a little particularly cause of BPD and I'm even ADHD, how lucky am I right? I'm kind the funny friend of the group... People would never imagine who really I am I'm a disgusting piece of shit, no girls, bad brother, bad son, fucking failed a year and now I will probably fail again (well actually not cause Im gonna kill myself before june so), and especially I'm too empathetic in everything I'm too much of a pushover since I can't even hurt a animal because I would feel too guilty (cause of bpd I'm even scared to lose friends that aren't really friends) but the main problem is: I don't know myself. Exactly, I literally have no personality without someone around me, Im just a thing moving around, resting and eating without any emotion, just emptiness that I can't understand I shift personality based on who I have around it's something so weird, with someone I'm the chill guy that mind his business, with some other guy I'm the loud and joking guy (sorry for my bad english), for others I'm just a fucking loser and for some I'm an important and precious person to them! I can't deal with this anymore! I want to know who damn am I! I just wanted to do a family and be the perfect dad! Do everything right! LIVE LIKE EVERYONE DOES NORMALLY! Why instead when I'm alone I start thinking blankly and in a bad way... When I'm alone I start thinking about what happens after death, what would happen if I disappear maybe well let's say all existencial stuff other's can't understand! Cause they are stuck thinking about this life because they live like normal people and don't know the truth of the life! It's so hard dealing with it when people are so damn oblivious of everything... It's so hard to explain and maybe not even usefull for all of you and don't even mind it, I'm just a crazy 15 year old idiot that tries to hide all his failure on him, but the truth is I don't give a fuck about this life anymore, I care only about what there's after... And I wont be the same idiot again, but now I just need to enjoy and do what I always wanted to do before ending this shit, I will stay 15 forever soon.

Love everyone,

sorry for venting and even posting such a shitty post but nobody that I speak with would even understand what I mean.