I ruined a friendship because of drugs, alcohol, and hatred.

Hi, I (M19) just lost a good friend (M16) of 1-2 years, and it was all my fault.

When I first met him, we were two peas in a pod. We both had entirely opposites of life, he came from a good place and is mentally stable whereas I don't and not mentally stable (maybe still aren't I dont know).

As our friendship continued, like all of them, we have had arguments, disagreements, both ugly and pretty. However, the ugly extends the pretty by a long shot.

Ive told him I hate him, I've told him to get killed, that I'll kill him, I've mentally abused him even if he doesn't admit it. And I was aware of it all, I had the intention to hurt him in those moments. I turned to hate more and more, my overall life was deteoriating, as was I and my general view towards human beings. It reflected on him. Doing drugs and drinking alcohol made me more antisocial and distant from people who are like him.

Today I reached him out, we talked in a good manner, until he asked me a question, I answered incorrectly, and I was blocked, for good.

As much as my mind tries to convince me it doesn't hurt, I know it does, it hurts but I can't feel it. None of it. Now he's gone.

I am not a victim, im an abuser, manipulative, and narcissistic.