Another twist in the winding road that is my fatherhood experience

I’ve posted before about some difficult things we’ve gone through as parents, such as our ten year struggle with infertility, so many miscarriages, loss of our first baby right before he was due, more miscarriages, and then the birth of a healthy baby boy. We were very protective, and when needed, we got our kid in therapy. At age 12 or so our kid said “I’m bi, I think’. We continued to be loving supportive parents. Then came college. “I want you to know I go by a different name, and use they/them pronouns”. We learned it took them a year and a half to share that with us. We continued our love and support. They considered themselves non-binary, but at the time were not really presenting any other way than they’d usually be around us. They had a toxic relationship and were spiraling. I had a heart to heart talk with them about the meds they started and made sure they knew the antidepressants could increase suicidal thinking. A week later came a text that said they’d written a note and had a full bottle of pills in front of them and didn’t think they’d do it, but wanted me to know, but didn’t want to discuss it. We went up to the school and I stayed there with them until the semester was over. I’m a psych nurse. And I have my own mental health issues. My work and lived experiences is why I had the talk with them, and why I went up there and put my life on hold to keep them safe. It took a few months before they were able to tell me that they no longer considered suicide an option. It’d been a rough two years since then, more so for me, not them. They’re wrapped in services with mental health treatment in individual and group therapies. Me? I have a therapist, who unfortunately had to shut down practice due to terminal illness, but he was a great help during a rough time and I’m going to miss having him in my corner. So I’m going to have to get another therapist. But I digress….

During that talk two years ago, when we discussed suicide, stressors, and open communication, my kid told me that sometimes they thought that being non-binary may be stopping short of where they’d see themselves in the future, but that living life as a woman was a can of worms they didn’t want to open. Too complex, too many challenges, too many societal difficulties, and they were struggling as it was. I heard them out, and stashed that away as something I was certain we’d hear more about later. I think you can see where this is going.

After some more relationships (with other boys), they seemed happy. We have remained supportive and loving and they feel safe knowing they can talk to us. They were home for spring break and we ended up having a casual conversation about gender presentation, and they said they were relieved to have discussed it because it was weighing on them and they weren’t sure how to approach it. But I know them well and I’m pretty good at opening the door to just letting them talk without fear of judgement or rejection. They raided their mom’s closet and chose to wear some of her tops. They looked good, actually. And I told them so.

Last week they were texting me from a different location than usual (location is shared with each other in our phones), but I didn’t pry. But I had a feeling. 4 days later they texted me and wanted to talk to me about “the whole gender thing”. So we had a talk, and they shared that they’d gone for a consult and have begun a HRT regimen. I suppressed my reaction and just listened. I told them I was happy they felt they could share that with me. They said they didn’t want our worries to make them second-guess it so they did it and then thought it over and decided to let us know. I told them I’m proud of them for doing what they need to do to find themselves, and ultimately, if it makes them happier than we’re happy for them.

We talked about just how far they want to take it. They said androgyny is their goal. They want to present however they feel on any given day. Gender-fluid, I guess. But… Something tells me that’s another way for them to soften what they feel is a hard hitting blow to their parents. That’s the pattern with them. We think one day we’ll hear “Mom, dad, my pronouns have changed again. I prefer she/her”. I told them some of my concerns though, about the permanency of what the hormones will do, about my concerns about society, especially these days, but they insist they’re going to navigate it all as best they can, and they have help from clinicians, peers, and ultimately, us.

I’ve been vacillating between being happy for them, worried for them, sad for us, happy for us… just all over the place. We just want them to be happy. Last night a thought crossed my mind as I sat in their room looking at all the stuff from their childhood. And I told my wife “you gave birth to a healthy boy after all we went through, we gave him a name chosen with purpose, we raised him as best we could, sent him off to college, and then he wasn’t our “boy” anymore. Now they are them, and still the same sweet loving person, but they’ve changed so much”. My wife told me “we still love them and always will, and that’s that, even if they say they’re now our daughter”. And she’s exactly right.