Here is a conversation guide for those who struggle with talking to people. It is made easier to remember using acronyms and a format that I made based off of the EMT patient assessment style. I also wrote a long ass personal anecdote that inspired this guide, so feel free to read it if you have severe social anxiety or struggle with connecting with others.

Social Connection Assessment

Scene size-up: determines how you react to the scenario

ENAME

Environment: where are you and what is the appropriate approach for socializing

Number of people: how many people are there and how many do you expect to speak to

Additional: are you with anyone you know or surrounded by people you don’t know

Mechanism of socializing: should you be formal or casual

Exit: should you stay or leave the situation

General impression: determines how the person reacts or feels about you

ARDI: ranking of the individual’s genuineness & interest(G&I) in you

Approaches: person approaches and engages in conversation & talks to you first

Reciprocates: you approach the person and they show visible interest, smiles, responds with longer answers

Dismissive: you approach, they answer dryly without asking about you. They give short answers. Little emotion or smiling. They appear uninterested in you and make little openings for you to continue the conversation

Ignores: They do not acknowledge you or try to make conversation.

If A / R, continue the conversation. G&I = 1/2 means Genuinely interested rank 1 or 2

If D / I, avoid attempting further conversation unless they later on seem interested in you. Politely excuse yourself from talking with them. Don’t completely ignore them, just respect their privacy and avoid prying them rather than taking it personally. You may end up vibing with them later. G&I = 3/4 rank 3 or 4

G&I < 3 continue, G&I > 3 stop

One time there was a girl who would be dry and dismissive to me in class, but only approach to talk to me if she needed help or if I got a good score on an exam. This is an example of oscillating G&I, so be careful about fake bitches like these.

Tip: G&I can sometimes be confusing, some people are dismissive first then approach, or approach first then become dismissive or even ignore. Observe how often they do each and base it off of that. Sometimes it has to do with what they think of you later on, if you offended them, or if they are just a fake bitch like that. 

Primary assessment - Connection establishment

EASER: Cycled Conversation Building & Techniques: 

Establish presence & warmth: open relaxed confident body language with appropriate eye contact; have a kind, positive, or neutral expression, keep your voice steady, smooth, warm, and calm. Say their name, builds trust

Ask easy entry, light ego boosting questions; ask about their skills, make them feel competent, respected, smart, special; don’t overglaze, just make them feel good around you

Show active listening; nod, mirror their emotions lightly, repeat key words, echo validation

Encourage with empathy & light self disclosure; mention that you respect what they said, or something about them; tell them how you genuinely feel about what they said and be humble

Re engage with a loop back question; ask about something their shared, continue digging about it

Tip: avoid overdoing any of these, read the room and do this steadily, you’ll get better at it with practice

FLEW: Alternative conversation builder

Follow: respond to what they say instead of changing topics too soon or seeming uninterested in what they said

Listen: be present, listen and understand what they said instead of focusing on what to say next

Echo: repeat keyword, add something about what they said, offer something relatable or connective about their experience

Weave: introduce slight topic shifts smoothly, say how the current topic reminds you of something else

BOND: Connecting deeper & making friends

Balance: share about yourself, but don’t dominate or overshare in the conversation

Openness: show slight vulnerability, make them feel less tense or intimidated around you

Novelty: suggest doing something together, coffee, studying, or event

Depth: gradually move from surface topics like hobbies/studies to deeper ones like values/goals

Tip: for novelty, recognize the mood and read the room, make sure they are clearly interested in you as well and want to be friends with you as well. Refer back to general impression, if they are often more approachable rather than just reciprocating or dismissive, it is likely they will want to do stuff with you.

Don’t overdo openness with a person not that close to you, being too vulnerable and sharing your biggest embarrassments will make them think low of you and may weird them out.

For conversation: EASER/FLEW → BOND

Primary assessment tip: For most conversations and socializing scenarios, primary assessment is the most important and should be prioritized first, because showing your interest in them will facilitate their interest in you. 

Secondary assessment - Self Introduction

SPARK

Stories: answer questions with mini stories and anecdotes, be creative, use appropriate and moderate humor

Personality: show your quirks, preferences, opinions, unique perspectives, demonstrates how you are different

Amusement: add your humor style, be witty but not try hard or overdoing it, light sarcasm, self aware humor, moderately mild self deprecation jokes work well

Relatability: say things that make people agree with you or have similar experiences with, use common experiences or feelings like anxiety, procrastination, stress, pet peeves, irritations, things you hate

Kick: end with a hook or twist, make your answer memorable, give a creative answer to a boring answer. Ask a follow up question to the other person, regarding their experience 

Secondary assessment tip: secondary assessment becomes important when a person first approaches you and some starts asking about you, showing interest. It’s important to be entertaining, relatable, and authentic. Especially for scenarios that are dependent on the person getting to know you, being appealing with your personality becomes more important. Secondary assessment is significantly more difficult than primary because it is unpredictable since you are not in control of the questions, requiring improvisation and thinking on the spot. It requires tons of practice to master. Remain calm, remember your practice, and think before answering.

Best way to practice for secondary assessment is to prepare, practice, and recite premade responses for common questions people might ask you. Set up interesting or funny stories to tell, things to say about yourself, what you do, things that get people hooked. 

Bonus tips, research, evidence, & science that make people like/trust you

Reciprocity & disclosure: open up a little bit to encourage others to open up a little bit more about themselves, because they only talk about themselves deeply if they trust you

• If you never say anything about yourself and just ask questions then they won’t trust you

Liking & Similarity:people like others who are similar or genuinely validate them

Active listening: Make people feel heard and not judged to build psychological safety and trust

Curiosity driven questions: asking follow up questions increases likability & perceived intelligence

• The more you dig about the subject, the more you seem interested and knowledgeable/open about the subject 

CWA: Charismatic impression

Competence: confidence, intelligence, ability, skills, effectiveness, availability / willingness to help others

Warmth: likability, emotional intelligence, friendliness, relatability, humor, empathy

Authenticity: genuineness, humility, not being fake or pretentious, unique, voicing opinions

Having all 3 makes you the charismatic goat 

GOOD SAMPLE QUESTIONS TO ASK IN PRIMARY ASSESSMENT

Questions & Baseline information to know about the person: 

NEWSA

Name 

Where they are from 

Ethnicity 

What they do/study 

Age

Popular icebreakers & conversation starters: HOW FUN MAPS JET WAGS(sequential) or HUMANS OF WET JAWS

H – Hobbies

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

U – Unique Talents / Skills

“Do you have any hidden talents or cool skills? Can you cook?”

M – Music

“What kind of music are you into?”

A – Activities (Weekends / Outdoors / Sports)

“What do you like to do on weekends or outside? Do you play sports?”

N – Netflix / Shows / Movies

“What are you watching lately?”

S – Siblings / Family Dynamic

“Do you have siblings? Are your parents strict or chill?”

O – Outdoors / Nature

“Do you like hiking, camping, beach stuff, fishing?”

F – Food / Favorites / Comfort Food

“What’s your go-to comfort food? Any favorite restaurants nearby?”

W – Workout / Gym

“Do you go to the gym? What’s your routine like?”

E – Experiences (Summer / Life Stories)

“What did you do over the summer?”

T – Travel / Places

“Have you traveled anywhere cool? Dream destination?”

J – Jobs / Parents' Work or Background

“What do your parents do? Where are they from?”

A – Aspirations / Ambitions

“What do you want to do long-term or after school?”

W – Weird or Niche Interests (Piano, Snowboarding, Foraging)

“Any niche hobbies? Piano, snowboarding, coastal foraging?”

S – School / Studies

“What are you studying? Why did you pick it?”

Boring formal questions: MCU

• Major: What do you study / what’s your major
• Career: What do you want to work in / what career are you interested in
• University: Where do you study / where do you go to college

Unique or good compliments

• You are really easy to talk to / you are chill
• You got good music taste
• You have good style
• Haircut / tattoos

Unique or interesting or funny/dumb questions (mainly if you are close and sure they won’t be offended)

• What would you spend a million dollars on
• Would you rather be mentally disabled or physically disabled
• Would you rather always smell shit or always smell like shit
• What are you most scared of / what's your biggest fear
• What's your biggest hot take
• Would you rather have an indian accent or chinese accent
• What is your ideal job or would like to work most if money didn’t matter

GOOD SAMPLE QUESTIONS TO PREPARE FOR IN SECONDARY ASSESSMENT

Where did you get your name from (if you have a unique name)

Where are you from

Where did you grow up 

What ethnicity are you

What are you studying and why did you choose it

What do you want to work as

What foods do you like / cuisine

Do you have any pets / do you like cats or dogs or any animal

What year are you

Where did you go to school

What are your hobbies / what do you do in your free time

What shows or movies have you been watching

What’s your favorite class / subject

What’s your music taste / what music do you listen to

Do you work out / what’s your gym routine

What’s the craziest thing that happened to you at work

What’s your biggest pet peeve

What do you like to do in outdoors

What games you like to play

What sports to you like to play or watch

What instruments do you play and for how long

What do you like to do on the weekend

What clubs are you in

Are you in any frats or sororities

Any events you are looking into

Have you traveled anywhere or recently / where was your favorite place to travel

What did you do for the weekend / break / summer

What was your craziest college story

What’s your favorite part of your major / school

What’s your college bucket list

What’s your year/life bucket list

What’s your favorite place to eat / restaurant / on campus

What got you into this class / club / event

What’s your favorite class or prof

Who’s your favorite character in blank show and why

How was your day / how are you doing

Coffee or tea

Mountains or beaches

Indoors or outdoors

Sweet or savory

Morning bird or night owl

Introvert or extrovert 

Tip: use SPARK in secondary assessment to prepare stories to answer these. These are also good to keep in mind so you can ask the other person the same questions. Be elaborate and don’t be dry, but also don’t over explain. 

Here's a shortened version of the Social Connection Assessment with just the acronyms. It goes from top to bottom, in an order of operations.

Scene size up: How you react

ENAME: what's the context and event

General Impression: Notice how they react

ARDI: how do they respond

G&I = ranking?

Continue conversation or stop?

Primary Assessment: Connection establishment

EASER/FLEW: making conversation

BOND: deepening the connection

Secondary Assessment: Self introduction

SPARK: talk about yourself

CWA: components of charisma