I live in a city of 1M+ people, and it’s near impossible to make friends.

I’m a 33M who has been seriously struggling with loneliness and depression for a very long time (20+ years). Last night was a particularly lonely night for me. I didn’t want to spend another Saturday night by myself, though, so went to a local bar to try to socialize. I’m a very shy person though, but want to branch out and socialize more to make friends. The bar was pretty crowded, probably 200 people there.

As I’m sitting in there, I tried striking up a conversation with two different people, neither one seemed interested. I’d look around and sort of people watch, and noticed that I was the only person there by themselves. Others are on dates or hanging out with their friends.

I became filled with this sort of existential dread, this doomed feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with me. Like I want what these people have, and want to be a part of what is happening right in front of me, but I literally can’t. It would be extremely rude to interrupt someone’s date to introduce myself. Or when people are with their friends, it feels like there is a barrier and they don’t actually want me to be a part of whatever social activities are happening. I feel like an outsider because it seems like there is never an acceptable way to approach and connect with people you don’t already know.

I continually put myself out there, but it truly feels like society doesn’t want me. That’s how I remain stuck in this viscous cycle of life without friends/gf. People say all the time that there isn’t anything wrong with me, but I feel like they are lying to try to be nice, otherwise things would have turned out differently and I wouldn’t go 15 years without friends or dating. I’m so sick of living like this. I think about suicide almost constantly. I don’t deal with rejection well, it feels like a personal attack most of the time, like I’m not good enough for people (both friends and dating). It’s really hard to deal with it when you then see people who are successful with relationships because of the fact that they are outgoing, interesting, happy, and have better social skills.

The sad part is I want to be like that, I’m not happy with the person that I am and wish that I could change. Change truly feels impossible though, especially when you have to do it alone. I have been going to therapy for about 7 years now. We come up with new things I could try, and I force myself to get out and do things to try and make a change, but things never go well. A lot of the time I get so overwhelmed with this existential fear and become so overcome with emotion and depressed that I can’t function.

Last night while sitting at the bar I couldn’t hold it in anymore and broke down crying right there in front of everyone. People would just stare at me and not say anything. Eventually the bartender asked if I was alright, and I tried to respond but couldn’t get any words out. I don’t know what to do anymore. Realistically speaking, I see another 20 years going by and nothing changing. All this fear and anxiety makes it feel like I’m constantly drowning, not able to stay afloat. I want to know how to not let my emotions control my life anymore.

Any advice that people can give is welcome. Thank you in advance.