bpd& being abusive

so i’m in a relationship of a year and a half. i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 6 months into our relationship. i have slapped her and pushed her and pinched her and i say mean fucking things. it’s when i’m in my episodes that it happens - and then when it’s over i wanna die because of how terrible i feel. is this fucking relatable? i mean i know im fucking sick and terrible. but help.