relapsed after a year (vent)

yea i basically relapsed after a year of being clean. i just suddenly got this intense feeling of dread, like i had no happiness left in me anymore. this isn’t the first time it has happened but it feel worse than it has before. anyways i dug out my razor and smashed it to get the blades out. i’m worried because it was the deepest i’ve ever gone and im worried about getting addicted again after being clean for so long.