I Really Want to Kill Myself

Embarrassed about even writing this post. I have nowhere or anyone else to talk to about this, just searched on here for a sub where maybe I could share how I’ve been feeling, though a lot of the posts I’ve already read on here are a lot more serious. So apologies if it isn’t the place.

I’m 20, 21 later this year. I didn’t go to college because I was scared. I was scared of wasting money. I was scared of studying something I didn’t care about. Scared of being alone.

I graduated in 2023 and I might as well have just ended it then and there. The following year was spent trying to find work, something I just couldn’t do despite my best efforts. So I’ve pretty much just spent two years being a useless stain in my family’s house.

I have friends, not many, they are all in college and employed and I rarely get to see them. That’s obviously not me complaining about them, hardly their fault I’ve fallen behind in every aspect of life.

I find just talking to people impossible. Some days I have to go to the shop just to get something small and my heart starts racing. I’ll go a lot of days without eating because I’m scared of going in and ordering something. I enjoy walking but a lot of days I’ll avoid doing it because I’m scared of people in cars driving by watching me and judging me. As you can imagine this means socialising is kinda not an option. I’ve tried, I go out with friends whenever I can, usually ends the same way. They introduce me to someone and after one glance that person has decided I’m annoying and they should avoid me.

In my head I try and try and tell myself none of it is real but it always seems that way. Every time someone even just looks at me it feels like there is something I can’t see that’s blatantly wrong with me. It’s just a never ending cycle of someone or a lot of people throughout a day, looking at me funny, me being insecure about it, hit myself until I accept that it’s all in my head, repeat.

I love my family, if it wasn’t for them I probably would have just ended things by now, but I’m beginning to think I’d rather die than just keep disappointing them for years and years. I can’t even imagine the shame my dad probably feels looking at me by now.

I’m not sure if this makes any sense, I’m after giving myself a panic attack just writing it so I will just leave it here.