I ghosted my best friend of 8 years, now my entire friend group thinks I will ruin summer vacation.

Hello, this is a throwaway account since I know my ex-best friend uses reddit and I am already getting a lot of heat and just need an unbiased opinion and advice...

I, (24 female,) and my ex- best friend (23 female,) ....will call her Sandy, have been close for many years now. Sandy has always been someone who puts other first, looks at the glass half full, and will support you no matter what. Despite everything I will share, I think she is a good person, she just unfortunately went down the wrong path...

We're both from a small town in Colorado. A few years ago now, we graduated high school together, we were working our butts off to afford to go into our universities. Once we had enough money, we were off to university to study! I got accepted into my second choice of university and would be in a city an hour away from where we were living, Sandy was accepted to her fourth choice and unsure if she wanted to go quite yet. She settled on a gap year and I went off to go study film set designs and fashion. While I was off studying, Sandy would often visit, and I would do the same. Whenever I was in my hometown I ensured to text her and make time, and she did vise versa whenever she was at my university.

During the time, Sandy was in a relationship with Eddie (25 male,) at first when I met him he seemed like a very shy boy. But when myself and my group got to know him more he was a huge softie, kinda of like a a human teddy bear. He and Sandy complimented each other so well and back then I could see them living happily with each other.......that was until Eddie acted...different.

While me and my dorm mate were having a drink, Sandy had called me in tears. I told her that dorm mate 1 (21 at the time, female) was over and if it's okay if she listened. She said it was fine with that and needed advice. She called to say Eddie has been saying and doing some pretty misogynistic and behaviour that made her uncomfortable. An example was not letting her leave the house unless he chose what she wore and deemed it as "appropriate for men to not stare at you." And another being that Eddie would point out other women and call them sl*ts if they were to wear revealing outfits...and me, OP, being one of those women. I personally felt disgusted that Sandy's boyfriend would call me something like that. I have always just expressed my fashion and femininity through skirts, tanks tops, and crop tops. Eddie has never done anything like this before and the couple had been dating for 2 years at this point, he has always let her wear whatever she wanted and would treat both Sandy and other women with kindness and protection because of how many weirdos there are out there...so it felt like a switch had been flipped. I asked Sandy if she talked with him and she confirmed many times she has. Unfortunately, I was a drink in and couldn't provide the best advice, same as my dorm mate. The best we said was to wear whatever you want and to ignore him. If he says anything else, then tell him how comfortable you are and maybe he is the one whose insecure about his outfits. The three of us giggled at the thought of Sandy telling Eddie to put on a bra, and we all ended the call positively. Sandy told us we would be kept in the loop if anything else happens...

Unfortunately, this would be the start of a rift forminb between us. I hadn't heard back from Sandy in a month, we usually see each other once a month or so, and it was my turn to come visit her. She wasn't able to be easily reached and I started to get worried. When my visiting day was approaching, she finally answered that she has been busy with work and hasn't been on socials as often. I didn't mind nor did I think much of it, Sandy has never lied to me previously so I was simply happy to know she was okay and telling her how excited I am to see her. During my visit, we finally talked and caught up on the last time Eddie had been mentioned. Sandy behaved oddly and claimed that Eddie had actually never called my a sl*t, and that the "whole clothes thing" was solved after his dad talked to him. I honestly tried to dig in and ask if she was sure and her story didn't budge. I dropped it since I know prying wouldn't help anything.

Eddie and Sandy have had issues that only myself and my friend group recognized as toxic. And instead of Sandy standing up for herself, she would double down and enable this behaviour. Even if Eddie's behaviour harmed one of her friends. It also because a relationship of codependency instead of complimentary. I don't want to air out too much of Sandy's laudry but her home life has never been the greatest. Her family has never truly showed her what real love is and have downplayed her feelings and mental health multiple times. Unfortunately me and my friends have seen this happen on numerous occasions, and have tried to step in a couple times. She would either tell us to not say anything since her family wouldn't "change their minds," or her parents would give us the cold shoulder for 'talking back' to them.

Sandy's poor communication got to a point where I would hardly hear from her. Something I want to express is that I am someone who needs an active friendship, at least even texting once every 1-2 months. Sandy knows that and the rest of my friends know that too. However, when we just get busy in life, I cannot be angry over that. But I would see Sandy actively posting on social media with her boyfriend and her family and only have a select few who she would reach out to--sometimes I was one of those people. She sometimes would write emails to our friend group about how she is doing and what adventures she has been getting up to...it gave me some relief to know she was safe, but there were a few things that bothered me... one being if ever myself or another friend of ours hang out with her she will only talk about her boyfriend--remember how I mentioned the codependency? Well, I now have a boyfriend and I get the idea of always thinking and talking anout him...but Sandy will almost make it seem like she needs this man always at her side like she needs air to breathe or water to drink. It felt obsessive and it worried a few of us, we know she has mental health struggles and this could help her, but at the same time it isn't super healthy. Especially given that when she stayed over at some point at my house, we just were platonically snuggling like we always have, and all she would talk about is how she "wished eddie was here to cuddle her." I want to express immediately before it's assumed; no, I am not in love with Sandy, during the time I was actually talking with someone so I had no interest. And two, I was just very offput by how often she needed Eddie. My friends and I felt like we were never enough and we have expressed it--Sandy would apologize and move on...only to repeat the behaviour over and over.

This incident was one of the biggest reasons for our split--it was my birthday, and Eddie had done something very unforgiving. Something to know about me is that you can insult me all you'd like, but I just brush it off and move on. But if my friends are effected, I would set the world on fire for them... I had invited Eddie as I assumed by the sounds of it there was progress with his behaviour. Everyone of our friends were happily engaged in conversation....until Eddie decided to loudly say "am I the only one who gets uncomfortable when someone with a vagina shares the bathroom with me?" Everyone one stares in disbelief, mind you, two of my friends present are transgender, so this was out of nowhere and very uncomfortable. This got the entire table arguing with each other about trans rights and asking Eddie if he is even educated enough to be saying these hurtful things in front of our friends. Eddie was defensive and didn't see what he said was wrong. And where was Sandy, you may ask? She had too many drinks and had no idea what was going on--it's also important to know that Sandy's boyfriend doesn't drink, so blaming this on alcohol couldn't be an excuse for him. I remember walking over to my mom and aunt sighing, they were apologizing that this was happening, all I could muster up was a "this effing sucks." Both agreed, the conversation was unable to be put to an end until we got my birthday cake out. I felt very gross and sad about what happened, and instead of defending my two friends, I walked away. I felt awful and tired, I just wanted my birthday to be over.

The following day, I wanted to talk to all my friends that were at the birthday party, to Eddie and especially to Sandy. Everyone who attended had the same story and I made sure it all added up--the last thing I want is to spew misinformation and cause more harm. Before confronting Eddie, I had asked Sandy to meet me. I explained everything to her in person, she felt pretty bad as she is close with our two trans friends. She had tried to defend him but I ask her if she had anything to back up her statements, when she went quiet I simply told her that mutual trans friend 1 had texted her some articles to read, that if she cares about what happened she will take the time to read it and understand why what Eddie said was not okay, and if she could pass on the artistcles to Eddie too. I said a few things as well to be passed on, she nodded and said she'll read the articles friend 1 passed her. Unfortunately, the dumpsterfire was far from over.

A couple weeks later, I had plans to hang out with Sandy. She stayed true to her word and read the articles, she actually called friend 1 and asked questions about trans issues. All of us were happy that she wanted to learn and understand these issues. Anyways, me and Sandy had a planned hike, when last minute she had told me a mutual friend felt depressed and she wanted to help him and save it for another time. I am usually fine but I felt very bitter about this one and I wasn't quite sure why... I texted my two friends Layla (25 female) and Ryan (24 male) if we can drink and hang out. All of them agreed, and we drove into woods to find ourselves a nice campout spot for a couples hours till dark. I explained the situation to Layla, and she honestly felt just as bitter about everything. Both Layla and Ryan were present at my birthday and didn't like how Sandy had been handling everything.

Layla had then asked me if I knew how many times "that has happened." When I didn't quite understand what she meant, she emphasized that Sandy has actually ditched me MANY times, and I may have just genuinely missed it. When I thought back on it, Sandy wouldn't message me a ton after the first disagreement with Eddie. I then started to hear less and less. However, during the times I did hear back, we made plans but 80% of the time, Sandy would ditch last minute. Thing is, there had been times where I took off work to hang out with her, and in the end she wouldn't show up, therefore I missed a day to work for a friend who wouldn't show. Most of the time she would say that she was too tired, or with Eddie, or 'dealing with something.' Layla said she could be telling the truth but only she knows that fact. I remember how angry I was, I honestly realized how often she sugar coated ditching hang outs or talking to me. I then had suspicions she didn't properly talk to Eddie about what happened at my birthday. I sent a lengthy text to him, expressing how inappropriate it was to say all those transphobic things in front of our friends. And that I honestly don't ever wanna see his face until he can grow up as a person. Eddie replied and pathetically called me a toxic jerk and twisted the story...confirming my suspicions for Sandy not telling him everything. My final reply was that I asked everyone at the party to make sire the story isn't twisted and that he is the jerk. Afterwards he didn't text me back, and I didn't need to say anything more. Layla and Ryan looked over the text to enaure everything I said wasn't out of pocket--I then planned to give the same treatment that Sandy has been giving me; no effort in contacting or organizing plans. If someone doesn't value my efforts, I should not be putting any effort back in the friendship.

I had been ignoring Sandy for a month, while I was watching a movie with another friend of mine, I got a phone call from Sandy. I hesitated to answer since I had nothing nice to say right now, unfortunately my friend encouraged me to answer. The first thing I hear was Sandy crying, I felt bad, but I know I needed to wait for her to speak first... I just didn't expect for her to ask "do you hate me?" I felt even more bad...because I hesitated. I have never hated anyone before, and Sandy's actions have been making me hate what she did, but not her as a person, so I was conflicted. When I was taking to long, I answered with an uncertain "No...?" Which made her cry more. My friend could hear through the phone and was giving me glances, I said nothing. Sandy begged me to meet her at a cafe nearby to talk, my friend encouraged me to leave and speak with Sandy, so of course, I left my house and went over to the cafe.

I sat in my car and Sandy joined in the passenger seat. She explained herself, and as expected, she left out details to Eddie about what happened...I was disappointed and told her that was the reason I texted him was because she hasn't been honest with me. She nodded and understood, I also questioned the ditching. It was mildly true, there were times she was often tired and busy, but most of the time she wanted to hang out with Eddie. I expressed how I didn't need to be a number one priority to her, but I at least wanted to be recognized as a friend instead of being just an 'option,' that I need a friend who can a least text me a "hi, how are you," once a month, that's the kind of friend I am and that I need back--if she cannot do that then it's okay, we can go our separate ways--I felt it was necessary for her to know I am a high maintenance friend and give her an out if she wanted it..... Sandy understood and said she would keep up communications and visit me back at my dorms when school starts uo again. I felt that talk was a huge breakthrough in our friendship, unfortunately, the next year would prove me wrong.

Sandy never kept her promise to visit or text me often. Actually, O forgot her snapchat map was on at some point and I saw she was near my university......she didn't even text a "Hi." We didn't need to hang out, but she didn't even try. I was feeling hopeless during my first semester, but finally reunited during New Years. I felt a little off since Sandy had barely reached out to me at all. She talked about how she plans to do a lot with her life and all this and that...I sat with Layla and looked her with worry, we both knew Sandy had no degree and didn't plan to try and get one...how on earth will she plan to live her live to the fullest as she claims while being the only person out of our friendship group stuck in our hometown and has no degree or diploma. I stayed silent about that one part, I never mentioned it so I didn't cause issues--and new years was smooth until the end.

My birthday was rolling around once again, Sandy didn't contact me at all unless it was 1 or 2 instagram reels being sent per month... I saw her twice before my birthday and ensured to celebrate it in my hometown so she was able to make my party. She told me she had work until 9pm and that she would call or text me around 9:30pm if she will be later or on her way. I didn't mind, I know we all have work and have lives, so I waited. 9:30pm was passing and I haven't heard back...I was tempted to go to her boyfriend's house as she was staying with him (he is a 5 minute car drive away from my house.) When it was passing 10pm, I finally called her because my entire friend group was waiting on her to do the cake. The phone rang a couple times and she finally picked up....this is not word for word verbatim but close enough to the conversation that I remembered:

Sandy: OH MY GOD! OP, I was just about ot call you!

OP: where are you??? It's way past 10?

Sandy: ....im genuinely so sorry, I had a really libg shift and I am honestly just exhausted.

OP: can you...not come to see me and celebrate for just a couple minutes?

friend whispers and offers ride

OP: friend A just said they can drive you if that's a problem?

Sandy: no, honestly OP I am really tired, I am so sorry, I do wish you a happy birthday though

OP: oh... okay... thanks--

Sandy: are you around tomorrow?

OP: no...I leave to go back to the city early tomorrow morning (the truth, I had an 9am bus.)

Sandy: oh...im really sorry OP, i'll see you at new years though!

OP: that....is in 6 months....

Sandy: I know... I am genuinely so sorry... I'll talk to tou later?

OP: yeah..sure.....

Sandy: goodnight, happy birthday...!

Everyone around me could tell how upset I was. I had ensured the party was in proximity for her, held off cake and activities for her, and make my friend be exhausted needing to go home for her. She may have been tired, but a lotnof my friends were expressing that they apologized, or that it is a little upsetting she couldn't come by for 5 minutes considering a friend of ours was celebrating cake and then leaving right after. That was the last straw about seeing how little Sandy put into our friendship. It may be small to some, but unfortunately, I have never had a good birthday, we deem it my "bad luck birthday" as one bad thing always seems to happen, I thought I broke the curse last year, unfortunately, Sandy was the nail in the coffin for the traditional curse to continue...

Sandy texted the next day asking if I was around, thinking I 'changed my mind' and forgot about my bus. When I lightly reminded her, she replied with a "right..." I realized that even after the talk we had a year ago, she had no plans to change her behaviour, instead to keep going about her own plans without thinking of others, to keep working at minimum wage jobs, and to maybe get somewhere with no degree one day, with her jerk of a boyfriend, who, from my understanding, has not changed.

The last time I saw Sandy was at her own birthday a few months later. I wanted to have one last day together before I blocked her out of my life for good. My friends were really angry that I planned to simply block her and move on. That I essentially owed her an explanation as to 'why.' It bothered me that I owed her more after she didn't put in any effort herself. I confided in Layla, and she told me that if we had this conversation before and I feel like the behaviour is repeating and isn't going to change--do what I need to in order to have peace.

I blocked Sandy.

I felt relieved for once. I didn't look back and felt pleased. I had been dealing with a lot of idiots here and there but had toggled those issues smoothly with confidence. My friends seemed to have a huge issue with how I handle situations; which was healthily communicating, if the other party isn't respectful, I set boundaries, if boundaries are crossed, I remove myself as their friend......you know... how normal people handle situations? One of my friends in my group, Mai (23 female) has brought up how the group worries that I will cause issues with Sandy when my boyfriend comes and visits during the summer as I like to "get myself into situations." Again, the situations mentioned are idiots I have had to deal with, if not idiots, then people I have made up with or even apologized to fir being in the wrong. But Mai continues to express that "I cause drama just because," and won't stop trying to convince me that I plan to cause havoc during summer vacation.

Thank you for those who read through, this was long and a lot. Despite these things being not super "juicy" or "crazy," it is a big weight off my shoulders as this has affected me greatly. I personally just want to show my boyfriend my hometown and not even talk to Sandy, so I am unsure how to navigate my friend who is convinced I am going to 'do something.' She claims my friend group is al worried but so far I have o ly heard from her. If you have any suggestions please let me know, thank you!!!