Just came out of a manic episode to realize a horrible outcome

I’ve been having a rocky relationship with my now ex-fiancé.

We’ve both done things we’re not proud of by any means. But we finally hit the point where she’s learned to hate me and cut ties. It was my fault, I painted her out to be an enemy during my episode and proceeded to berate her nonstop and throw insults. I’ve been holding resentment over what she had done to me in the past and it looks like it all came out during my episode. Like a volcanic explosion. I’ve seen her have manic episodes where she painted me out to be an enemy, but I’ve only ever had smaller overreactions until now. With a full fledged episode, I did the worst I could do and I lost my forever partner.

I’m trying to come to terms with it by telling myself her life will improve. But damn, she stuck with me till the end, so I know she’s hurting too. I know with time, all wounds heal. But I don’t like the idea of thinking she’s sad. I’m hoping her anger is taking priority rn so she doesn’t have to deal with the inconvenience of being sad.

I haven’t been taking my antidepressants or mood stabilizers, but I have just now begun to take them again because it’s something she wanted from the beginning. I know I’ll need therapy after this. So I went ahead and setup an appointment with a new therapist. But I hate that the reality is, I’m not doing it for myself. I’m doing it because she had wanted me to do it for a while now.

Normally her reaction would have been to retaliate. But in this instance, she showed kindness. All this because I had asked her in the past to change. And she did, maybe it wasn’t perfect behavior, but it was a hell of a lot better than mine lately. I’ve gotten exponentially worse until it finally all blew up. I’ve never had this happen before, but now that it has, I like to think I have a better understanding of her. An understanding that will unfortunately serve me no purpose anymore. I know the best thing for me is to focus on myself, but it’s hard when I’ve spent my time always prioritizing her so that she could be ok. I know at this point all I can do is wish her the absolute best in her life, and I really hope she flourishes from here