Feel hopeless

I apologise for writing this-

I have autism, ocd traits and history intrusive thoughts; i get fucked up thoughts about children and looking up illegal things on internet. I went on dark web once, I seen illegal shit advertised that make your skin crawl. I had change of conscious, I didn’t go any further, i didn’t click, didn’t open, and didn’t view anything. I didn’t want to ruin my life. It is literally hell on earth. I blocked and never went back.

I am pouring my heart out over this. I feel shit and suicidal at times over this. I keep active at times keep thoughts at bay, even managed get a job so i am busy at times. If i am a deviant i am probably off dead i mean who would want to be friends with someone who thinks that’s ok to do all them things?, i am confused, i know the difference between right and wrong. I never worked with children or had desire to, i never want to have children myself. i know children can’t give informed consent,im not deluded. I don’t know how to feel. Thank you for reading.