My lover doesnt want me.

He says that he loves me, though. He suffers from a Disorganized attachment style. We're both queer people. We've known each other for five years, and have been on again off again the entire time. The last time we were 'off' I started seeing other people, and he confessed that he loved me and was just scared that he wasn't enough for me. I assured him that he was, that I loved him more than anything, but had accepted the breakup(s) because I respected his boundaries. That I would love to be with him again. I know, I'm stupid.

We got back together and he would talk about marrying me, about helping me escape the dangerous place where I live by helping me get a visa, that we would have a cottage together and that he wanted all of this ASAP. I flew to visit him and spent the holiday season with him and his family. Met his father and his entire extended family, was introduced as his partner/boyfriend.

After I went home, everything was good for about three more months. Then he got cagey and distant. He said he could no longer support me through the visa process because he 'didn't want to' and wasn't ready. Then, eventually, a month or so later, he broke up with me again.

I know he's been through trauma, and I don't blame him, I understand. I have CPTSD too, and I get it. He says he 'wants to be with me, but that he doesn't want to be WITH me'.

I do not know what that means but it hurts to hear it. It hurts to hear it as the place where I am living gets steadily more dangerous for people like me by the day. It hurts to hear it because it's not an obstacle I can overcome with hard work, like financial stress, or logistic complications. It hurts to hear because he essentially just, doesn't want me? For reasons he can't really explain.

I don't really have anywhere else I can say all this? I've already told him all this and its not really fair to him or productive to lay it all at his feet again. I've been abused by people for much of my life. I have had men /want/ me for selfish/inappropriate reasons but not love me. The fact that the person who I feel like knows me better than anyone in the world doesn't want me feels like, some twisted monkeyspaw or a cursed wish granted.

I apologize for whining over such a trivial problem. My heart is broken, and I almost wish he hated me, or that he had wronged me in some way, so that I could hate him too. Loving him is worse.

The fact that he still says he cares about me feels like torture.

To be loved, but not enough to be wanted, feels hollowing in a way I did not know existed. Especially when my existence is already fraught with controversy and hatred from the outside world to begin with.

The result, lately, is that I don't even fully feel human. I'm not sure where to turn but to strangers.