Random thoughts coming

I’m feeling defeated (again) and done (again). I hate my hope. I hate that I will probably always care more than I hurt. What a lonely picture that paints.

I’m straddling between completely just giving up on everything in my life and retreating from everyone …and the other option.. just keep doing whatever. Keep surviving.

But I just want to quit everything.

——

Anyway. Will just keep writing my pathetic thoughts into the void. Apparently I have followers, who relate to my words.. or who think I’m their person (probably not so much the latter). 🤷🏻‍♀️ I guess I appreciate the small form of silent virtual support and my words aren’t just disappearing into nothing. I’m probably going to lose them all too.. feeling a lot of self pity right now, and that shit is just boring.

Fuck.

Anyway, here’s what I was going to post. A random thought I had the other day while torturing myself, trying to force myself to move on:

I just realized something… I misquoted and said “emotionally exhausting” while you said “mentally exhausting.” (Was able to find a copy of that fun text saved somewhere.) I wonder what that means. You were trying to think your way through everything and didn’t have emotions about it? And I totally was on board with being both emotionally and mentally exhausted, to be honest. Huh. Interesting.

Anyway. (My favorite word right now, other than “fuck.”) If you are out there, these are not all about you, I hope you know. Don’t flatter yourself. (Still a little anger left, I see). My mental state just sucks regarding life in general. I guess that’s why I’m still thinking about this, after so long. I’m just reinforcing my negative thoughts about myself.. and you are my greatest example.

Huh. Breakthrough.