Entry #1

It's 11:39, my mind won't stop racing. My thoughts are running from the consequences of the actions I need to take. I have to have a conversation I never knew I needed but this is the hold up in my life. This one conversation is causing my downfall. I feel sick. I'm shaking with anxiety and nerves and my brain is finding every possible solution and outcome all while trying to think of anything else. I'm stuck in one place but I know I need to move. I know if I stay this weight will crush me. It's for the better. Everything will be okay. It'll all go according to plan... the only issue is there's no fucking plan!!! I have an idea of how I want things to go, how I hope they'll go, all while thinking about the worst case scenario. What if they're outraged, what if they cause a scene? If you feel unsafe you call the police. You're meeting in a public place anyways to avoid either of you making a scene. You have no clue how this is going to go what if he flips the switch somehow and your anxiety and guilt eats you alive and you cause a scene? No, there's too much on the line for that, you know better than that. You have the upper hand, you've been moving behind the scenes, in silence. You can do this, it is just one time. One moment. Then it's over and you don't have to deal with it again. What if he drags it out though? What if he makes it a big deal and something that is an on-going moment, a lasting moment then what? Then it isn't in your court and you have no clue what you'll do or what's happening or anything of that nature. Why, why, why? Why do I let my anxiety and thoughts eat me alive like this?