I’m SO angry and I don’t know what to do about it

My son just turned 1 and I have really started having a lot of fun with him now that he’s more mobile. I struggled so much in the beginning feeling like I made the biggest mistake becoming a mom and I’m not going to lie, I still feel like I shouldn’t have done this. But at least my son is more active/mobile and there are more things for us to do now.

I’ve never stopped mourning my old life. I’ve tried taking people’s advice about completely throwing myself into this new life of being a mom but at the end of the day this just really doesn’t make me happy.

It is SO painful and stressful trying to go anywhere or do anything with him. Having to pack everything, try to coordinate feeding and nap times. My son hates his car seat, and often screams while I’m driving. He fights sleep like crazy. Often he won’t nap unless I drive him around for over half an hour and he screams right up until he falls asleep. I hate having to drive him around just to get him to take a 15 minute nap. Then he fights sleep all night long. I hate that I still can’t relax at night bc I have no idea how long it’s going to be before he starts screaming again. We’ve done lots of sleep training and talked to our pediatrician and the consensus seems to just be ‘some kids don’t like to sleep’.

I feel like I can’t go anywhere with him because he screams out in public and throws food on the floor and is trying to get into EVERYTHING. It’s not fun to go over to anyone else’s house because I have to be on top of him every second or he’s going to break something or hurt himself. And people don’t seem to get that.

Im just tired. It’s like this never gets better. My husband always says it’s so sad he’s growing so fast but I feel like he can’t grow fast enough. I fantasize about him being old enough for me to leave him home alone, or even him being old enough to move out so I can somewhat have my life back.

I feel like such a failure bc I’m so impatient and stressed all the time. I constantly feel like I’m falling apart or on the verge of a breakdown. I’m always annoyed with my husband even if I’m not exactly sure why. My husband helps as much as he can but he also works very hard at his job and that takes up almost all of his time.

I wish I loved being a mom but I just don’t and I needed to just rant somewhere because I don’t think anyone in my life truly gets it when I say I’m miserable.