Life goes on -vent

Hi I am 27 M, I met this wonderful woman on a dating platform, full of life, her smile could brighten up the entire room, we connected instantly, Voice notes after voice notes; one after the other 2 days into it we exchanged numbers and the 4th day which happened to be Valentine’s Day we met; there was a weird attraction, her bubbly energy swept me off! I wasn’t expecting anything from life; have been a loner and failed lover my whole life, but here life had an expected gift for me, she was the best thing that could happen to me, out of no where as if the universe wanted us to be together.

Days passed we grew closer and practically the entire day she was in my thoughts we’d talk for hours together, texts, FaceTimes and calls.. for a change none of this felt draining, managing work wasn’t difficult because I enjoyed listening to her, slowly she started coming over to my house, lying that she’s going over to her friends and coming over to mine, it was a thrill with my parents living upstairs and that constant fear of getting caught but that “sukoon” of hugging her tight and sleeping, it was different, I was not ready to accept but I had fallen for her…. I was heads over heals and was badly attached to her, aadat lag gayi thi Mujhe uski…

Scene -2

Her love for me was pure, she was super attached and wanted to know every damn thing about me, shared every bit going on in her life, petty past, family friends etc, I came with a lot of baggage and after 7 years I finally felt I was getting ready to love and commit; perhaps this felt like permanent, she said it previously that are we going too fast, is it too good to be true, “ I assured her, do what your heart says” I would never hurt you and this is a safe space… she trusted me and just swept me off my feet, we loved each other, all barriers broken…

Here’s the thing with us guys when we get something super nice, we have a tendency to screw up and for god sake I have a doctorate in screwing up, well and i stood true to it… royally screwed up.

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I started getting overwhelmed and influenced by shitty opinions… it’s rightly said beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder… she was the most beautiful person I have ever known, I can’t and would never forget the way she’d look into my eyes! Bloody hell I cry when I think of the times we were inseparable. The watchmen once caught her and sort of interrogated her, asking her where she’s up to and ofcourse yours truly acted shady instead of reassuring her, she missed her exam, which yours truly blamed himself for, I started taking my bond for granted… few incidents like missing her exam, triggered me.. while I wanted her to be cautious and not get derailed from her career I came off as someone who’s judgmental and doesn’t care for her…

Scene- 4 the final straw

So, now my grandfather was hospitalised and I was the one who’d to stay back every single night, and I was basically f up, during the same time our misunderstandings peaked, I thought she likes her male best friend, who happens to be her school class mate, for his birthday she made hand-made glasses for him, with his pictures on them, she teased me in a playful manner, but my frustration took the better of me, and I got blinded by anger started pushing her away, I loved her a lot but the loner part of me got the better of me and pushed me to think she doesn’t love you, while the case was whenever we used to be intimate shed ask about things and just to be safe I’d say dekhte hai Kya hoga, while my heart screamed I want to marry u and have babies with u, I started playing conservative… and now pushing her further I would not pick her calls and push her away.. during that entire time she was rock steady and showed up to meet me, call me and showered me with love, but me being blinded didn’t see she loves me…

Scene -4 Ignorant me wanted to break up thinking she’s not the one and she doesn’t care, just move on, no big deal… but then again god had different plans…

Now post breaking off and she literally blocked me everywhere, apparently while we were not talking during my grandpas hospitalisation phase, she cried a lot and her sister in law saw this and told to cut off ties, ofcourse she had no background of our relationship, I on the other hand when got time to think all alone in those sleepless nights at the hospital… I realised I can’t let my unpleasant, chequered past bother my present and future, i started realising my mistakes and started admitting that I bloody love her and will clear off all misunderstandings, but before I could do anything I fell sick and my Devi ji wanted to break up.. she blocked me and now the only channel open was the app we met at luckily she responded and when I told her i am sick and need time to respond she immediately said I’d come over to see you… to my surprise at 11:30 she was at my house, I was blank, I was wrong that she didn’t care, the entire night we were hugging tight and she wept, I was not in the state to talk but I was numb, I realised how much I loved her and how pure and kind hearted she was… But she had made her mind, she kept blocking/unblocking but i had lost myself now, I was desperate to prove my point, after 7 years the same incident happened during the same time period and I was numb that I can’t let her go, but I pushed her away, that now she thinks I never loved her, “ I didn’t feel loved and hence grew out of love” this entire episode sucks, I have cried like a baby, I have lost myself, cant seem to focus on work, I lost someone I love, I tried reaching to her, via different apps but she seems to have lost trust in me…

I have major anger issues, where I forget that I love the person but act stone hearted and regret moments after it, I genuinely feel like it’s end of life, where I again lost someone I loved dearly… tears roll down when I think of the time I spent with her, convincing her feels so difficult because she kept saying “abh Kya farak padta hai” tu Sahi hai lekin abh mujhse Nahi ho raha hai… man it’s never difficult to move on, but my heart doesn’t want to move on now… I failed as a son, as a lover… bc I loved her and lol ended up hurting her.. I assured her that it’s a safe space and ended up telling her biwi maat ban when she took genuine interest…

I feel lost, i failed her and I don’t find myself capable of holding any relationships, hurted someone I loved dearly… while my heart wants her back… I’m clueless, been a week haven’t spoken to her, kinda unsettling, don’t know how do I tell her to give this a chance

TLDr: just being vulnerable… I’m committed to a girl who thinks I broke up with her, don’t know how to convince my confused lover