i don’t exist anymore

Lately I’ve felt… gone. I no longer feel sad. Just numb. Dissociation isn’t even the word anymore. I can’t watch tv or read because my head hurts, but I’m able to write and create my own stories. I’m so glad my writing and imagination wasn’t taken from me because it’s all I have left, but I notice that if I’m not there, I’m not in real life either. Often times I find myself just staring into space, I can’t move or bring myself back, even if I’m aware. Sometimes I say things during this time, but it’s like someone else said them. I’ll say something, snap out of it, then immediately be confused on why I said it. Almost like for a second I have dementia and then I come back to my senses. Everything makes me tired. I can only watch shows without heavy plot or that I’ve already seen like The Office and Smiling Friends, but I cannot start a new show because learning the lore hurts my brain. I feel I spend half my day shaking my head like a cartoon character trying to snap out of it. I don’t have the energy to even talk anymore. I’m so tired that it takes so much will power to form a sentence and half the time people make me repeat myself because my voice is so weak and people can’t understand me. I have no active support system except my mother. I’m on my last leg. I would honestly kill myself but that’s money my family doesn’t have. I’m a burden alive and I’d be one dead too. I’m miserable.