I can’t escape it.

Bit of a rant.. some backstory firstly. Last year the day after my birthday in August, my parents told me and my siblings during dinner that they were divorcing. They had fallen out of love with each other. I tried denying it in my head for over a month and then I accepted the truth. It hit me hard and slowly but surely my depression began, I couldn’t sleep properly at night, I’d cry myself to sleep often, and I began hating myself more and more with time, thinking of.. maybe it was my fault? With time.. I began being less active in school, I didn’t talk with anyone and I was silent.. felt like it was me in 5th grade and prior all over again. I couldn’t think positively at all.. And with my sadness overwhelming me and my dad and half sister finally moving out. I began feeling suicidal and having suicidal thoughts. I almost went through with killing myself on 5 separate occasions, 1 via hanging and 4 via cutting my wrists.. thankfully I can say I’ve never actually gone through with cutting myself, but I’ve had the knife on my skin.. months went by and then early February/late January of this year, I decided I’d try to change, I would try to force more smiles, think positively and it kind of worked.. I began feeling a bit more better, and after February I’ve been feeling more or less better.. but now and again I begin to have my overwhelming sadness come over me and have me relive the past memories… last night was one of those nights, I was just sitting alone in my dark bedroom at my dads place watching depressing YouTube videos… I’ve been told by people online that getting professional help or telling my parents would be the best thing to do. But I just can’t, can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want people I know and love worrying and feeling bad for me… I just don’t know what’s wrong with me, what I’ve done to live a for the most part dreadful life. (Btw my relationship with my dad is great, don’t worry about that.) I used to have a throwaway account to tell people this kind of stuff.. but fuck it. What to loose if anyone I know actually finds and reads this post.