Saw blood

Dunno why I saw a bit of blood down there for like 2 days. Just a bit. But it managed to trigger me. I had SI immediately. Wanted to self harm.

I have hysto in 2 months. I can't wait to never see blood down there ever, ever again.

I hadnt seen blood in a long time. My T levels may be too high. I'm on a 100mg but i think i metabolize it differently than other people. Too much T can turn into estrogen as we know. So i'm gonna inject 0.40 which should be 80mg. My GP is cool with it.

I don't have trans friends, I have loving people around me but they'll never understand this. My thoughts were mean to me at 5am. "You'll always feel like you're missing something, you're doomed to be uncomfortable in your body till you die." That was so fucking mean. How does something so cruel come from me to myself?