I’m so devastated to turn 30 because it’s a new decade of my life and my grandparents can’t be in it

I’m aware how stupid and illogical this is. I’m aware it’s dumb. But my grandparents raised me. Like I came home to their house as a baby and never left until I moved out at nineteen with my now husband. They were essentially my mom and dad.

My grandpa died when I was twenty and my grandma died when I was twenty six. And it’s been incredibly hard not having them for me emotionally. I’ve gone as far as trying to go back to church even when I was an atheist for years because I desperately need to feel like I’ll see them again. I can’t fathom the idea that the kindest most loving people in the world just no longer exist. Energy can’t be destroyed, so their souls have to be somewhere.

Idk I’m wine drunk and I’m just so sad. I turn 30 next month and I can’t stop thinking about the fact that that’s a whole new decade of my life that they want be apart of. I know that makes no sense and they’re gone either way. But at least in this decade they were here for a moment. Idk.

Everyone I’ve tried to tell this to looks at me like I’m crazy or stupid. I’ll delete this later when I’m sober and see it, but I just really needed to tell somebody. Even just strangers on the internet.