It's been a month since I last spoke to her. Was she toxic?

Starting from the beginning...

I'm 20 years old, and a few months ago, I started seeing a 23-year-old woman. I'll call her L.

We had a very strong connection right away, but things have been really difficult between us.

From the beginning, it was already hard to go out with L (it took about 2–3 attempts before we managed to meet up), and even after we did, things didn’t get easier.

L has borderline personality disorder, trauma from her ex-boyfriends, and from the start, she said she didn’t want a relationship.

The problem is, even though she acted that way, she also showed signs of wanting something serious, like being romantic, giving gifts to me and my family, wanting me to go out with her and her family, and—believe it or not—getting jealous.

Anyway, despite the good moments we had, these past months were also full of ups and downs, with her wanting distance during her crises and me always being patient, trying to talk to her and make her feel better.

It went on like that until mid-November, when we broke up for good. She said we should just be friends and that we wouldn’t be hooking up anymore.

At that time, I randomly met a girl on Instagram (I'll call her N). N ended up helping me during that period. She supported me through the breakup and even gave me advice about the situation.

N invited me to go out about three times, but I declined all of them because of L.

L and I had some fights before, but I consider this one the worst.

It was December, I was coming back from work when L messaged me saying she woke up horny and was going to have sex because someone had invited her (she said it was a guy she had hooked up with before her last ex).

I tried talking to her at the time because I was upset, but instead of replying, she went to play League of Legends.

I spent the whole day trying to talk to her about it, but she kept saying to give her some space. We only talked normally again when I didn’t bring up the topic.

The next night, after things had cooled off, I brought it up again. L said she didn’t go through with it, but she also didn’t admit that it was a lie. She just said she lost interest.

So I told her about N and how N had invited me to go out (which was true). I said this girl didn’t seem romantically interested in me—she seemed to want friendship only. She had invited me twice for coffee and once to a book club she was organizing with her friends at her house.

I told L and asked if I could go. I even said that, if she wanted, we could date and I wouldn’t go. That I was only considering it because she didn’t want a relationship with me.

L said it was fine, but from her tone, I felt it wasn’t.

The next day, L made plans with her cousin and pretended to be on a date just to make me jealous. That’s when she finally admitted she had said all that just to test me. She also compared me to her exes.

She blocked me on WhatsApp, and in desperation, I ran out of the house to go see her and brought a bouquet and some things she liked (energy drink and chocolate) to try and fix the situation. I also messaged N, said we couldn’t talk anymore, and blocked her.

In the end, L and I made up, but everything got even worse.

Some time after the fight, L said I screwed up by blocking N, and even though she told me to unblock her, I insisted on keeping her blocked.

Eventually, I started thinking it over and realized I had been a jerk to N, and it didn’t make sense to keep her blocked because of L.

L had always been honest with me from the beginning and said she didn’t want anything serious (even though she showed otherwise). She always made it clear I was her best friend.

Because of that, a few days ago, I ended up unblocking N and apologizing. She accepted the apology but said she didn’t want to be involved in this drama anymore.

The thing is, I didn’t tell L that I had unblocked N.

On Saturday, we went out for coffee and were talking until we brought up the topic of our last (now second-to-last) fight.

She ended up wanting to see the girl’s profile, and after a bit of pressure, I admitted I had unblocked her.

From that moment, her mood changed during our outing and she wanted to go home. That night we were supposed to watch Big Brother Brasil together, but she didn’t want to anymore. After midnight, she sent me a video crying. I tried talking to her, and she said I wasn’t honest with her.

Sunday came, and things only got worse. She said all she wanted was honesty and told me I was never honest with her, that I always lied, and she didn’t want a lying friend.

I kept trying to calm her down, but it just kept escalating. She called me, cried harder than ever before, and asked for N’s profile.

She followed N, N talked to me, and I explained the situation. N was pissed at me, said L and I were both crazy and immature, and that she had bigger problems than this. She said she never had any romantic interest in me and that the whole idea of friendship was dead. Then she blocked me and L.

I told L what happened, she asked for screenshots, I showed her, and it made her feel even worse. She sent a long message saying she forgave me but that it would be better if we went our separate ways. That she couldn’t pretend nothing happened.

I insisted and insisted until she got angry and blocked me (something she said she wouldn’t do).

I got blocked on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, WhatsApp, and several fake Facebook accounts I created trying to talk to her.

I even went to her house with a chocolate bar and a letter saying I was at the park near her place, but she didn’t show up or unblock me. She only unblocked me after I started sending 1-cent Pix transfers to her bank account, just for her to see the messages. She replied very rudely, told me not to bother her, and blocked me again.

L ended up messaging my mom saying I was harassing her and that she’d go to the police if I kept doing it. My mom talked to her, said she liked her but that, for both our sakes, it was best we stayed apart. L played the victim, said she was trying to move on, but I kept bothering her.

My mom came to talk to me and told me to stop bothering L and asked what had happened. I explained the whole story. My mom thought it didn’t make sense. She messaged L again, said she had talked to me, and also said it didn’t make sense for L to be mad at me since we weren’t even dating (which she always stated and confirmed again to my mom). She said my social media and phone were mine, and I could block or unblock whoever I wanted. I didn’t need to give anyone explanations for that.

Some time later, on Wednesday, things got even worse. I had lent my phone to my mom to check some stuff on my bank app. Everything was fine until suddenly my mom started arguing with someone on my phone. When I checked, it was L.

Basically, even after I stopped bothering her, L kept posting lots of indirect messages on Facebook saying she preferred to be seen as the bad one, that it was a blessing in disguise (livramento), that she didn’t want dishonest people, etc. She posted all of this while having me blocked and while still having my mom on Facebook (she knew my mom was there). At first, she posted on her stories so my mom would see it, but later she started posting it on her feed.

My mom got tired of it, took a screenshot of one of L’s indirect posts, and posted it on her WhatsApp stories, indirectly calling L toxic.

L saw it, liked the story, and reacted with a clapping emoji, but behind my mom’s back, she unblocked me and tried to turn me against her. She said now she understood why I was messed up, because my mom was just like me, and that it really was a livramento.

Long story short, L and my mom had a big fight. I still tried to calm things down with L, but she never apologized. She told me to delete all our messages, not to share her address, and said this could turn into something serious. She also said she had sent my mom’s audio messages to the police (which was a bluff).

I tried a bit more, and she said it wouldn’t work, and that it would be better if we stayed away from everything. She blocked me and asked her cousin to block me too.

It’s been a month since I last talked to L… and it hurts so much...

Even though my friends and family, who know the whole story, say she was toxic, I still miss her. If she came back, I would definitely take her back and try to fix everything...

I keep thinking that, if I hadn’t been so emotional and had just kept N blocked, L might still be here...