I really want a divorce

My husband (35M) and myself (28F) have been together for almost 10 years and married for 1.5 years. We had our first baby this past year so the pressure’s on but I can’t take him anymore. My husband is an incredibly selfish man but he has this love bombing effect that’s certainly pulled the wool over my eyes and many others. To everyone else, he’s a nice guy. But to me I don’t get that side of him unless I give him what he wants. Side story…. My husband has this super fucking annoying obsession with pantyhose. Yes women’s undergarments. He likes to wear them around the house under his clothes ALL FUCKING DAY and he cannot have sex without wearing them. We can’t even go on vacation without them. It’s like I’m married to him AND his pantyhose.

I’ve told him too many times to count at this point that I am just super turned off by them. It comes off as feminine to me and it’s just not my thing. But I turn a blind eye because every time I bring it up, he has a fucking meltdown. Like a baby with a pacifier, it’s embarrassing. I’ve tried to compromise… “hey, sometimes can be leave the pantyhose in the closet for like one night” but then he doesn’t enjoy himself at all when we “go to bed”.

I’m wildly unhappy with my sex life… and my husband is too selfish to care. Like I can’t even remember the last time I actually had good time in that area. My needs go overlooked because he only cares about his needs.

That’s just one part of why I want a divorce.

When I was pregnant.. not once was my husband doting, asked me how I feel, if I needed anything, nothing. And during delivery he was an absolute asshole to me and complained about how HE didn’t get sleep and how HE was uncomfortable and actually had the audacity to tell me “you’re not the only one who had a bad night” after I literally pushed a whole fucking human out of my body after suffering from pre eclampsia and a really really painful and long induction process. He didn’t help me out of bed one time and he literally slept all night next to me and didn’t help with the baby at all the 2 nights we were there. He was just pissed off because he wanted to go home. Again, my husband is selfish.

Lastly, every time we go out, whether to a family event, dinner, or a game he drinks so fucking much. He is plastered and will tell you “I’m not even drunk”. Meanwhile he’s slurring his words and can’t even walk straight. He does this every. single. fucking. time. I literally never get to enjoy myself ever because of the way he acts when he drinks. Then he will tell me I’m just controlling and every other insult he could possibly sling.

These are just three of the biggest things that bother me but they all come down to my husband being selfish. Meanwhile, he’s unemployed while I go to work and bust my ass to pay our bills and provide for our baby when I want nothing more than to be home with my baby. This taking a big mental toll on me and again he doesn’t even care. He’s incapable of caring for anyone but himself. He’s mean, unappreciative, not romantic at all, and just down right miserable.

I just am very unhappy but I love my little baby so much and I just don’t want her growing up thinking this is normal in a relationship. I think I can genuinely say that my husband and I hate each other. I really just feel nothing for him anymore. His presence instantly puts me in a bad mood. All we do is argue. We don’t see eye to on anything. I often go long periods of time lately where we do not have sex because I just don’t even want to. It’s not exciting for me at all.

I guess my question here is does anyone know of some types of communication techniques they’ve used to communicate with their spouse in a productive manner?! Is that even worth it for me at this point? Is divorce a bad idea with a baby? Is couples counseling worth it? Am I going to regret it if I do?

A few weeks ago I did speak with a divorce lawyer and they were very nice and explained my rights to me as far as custody of baby and house so I know where I stand there.