Lost our girl

We lost our little Ellie 5/1 and I’m struggling with how to cope. She was almost 10 years old and the best friend I’ve ever had. She had started to not feel well two days before in the night. We noticed that she kept asking to go outside and when we went with her she seemed to have to pee little bits at a time. Called the vet the next day and explained her symptoms and set up an appointment the next morning. She was still playing with her toys, eating, drinking and acting like herself aside from needing to go outside more. That morning she seemed to really be down and didn’t eat her breakfast. Our appointment was at 7:45am so got up, cuddled with her as usual and got ready to go. Right before we left she threw up. Spoke to the vet tech about what was going on, gave her a hug and said goodbye and went home to wait for their call to come get her. Received a call 3 hours later from them asking for me to come in as she was not doing well. I called my boyfriend to let him know and we both went straight there. I got there first and they took me to a room to wait. The vet came in and explained to me that they were waiting for her bloodwork and she collapsed, vomited and then her heart stopped. She said they gave her two iv meds in an attempt to restart her heart which did not work and then were doing cpr but she wasn’t responding. At that time they asked my permission to stop so that they could bring her to us so we could have time with her although she was already gone. It kills me that I didn’t get to tell her goodbye while she was still here with us.

I’m at a loss of what to do and feel like I did something wrong. She wasn’t feeling well and we took her to the vet expecting to get her back and now she’s gone. I’m heartbroken that we were unable to be there with her and have a pit in my stomach that she was scared without us in those moments.

I’m struggling with finding a purpose as she was our whole life. The house is so quiet that I don’t even want to be there anymore. I keep expecting to hear her come around the corner or come cuddle up to us on the couch like she did every day. Her food is still in her bowl from that morning and I can’t bring myself to dump it out. I’ve been laying with her blanket that smells like her and just cry. We used to leave music on for her when we would run quick errands and found ourselves doing that yesterday when we went to the store and both just got so upset.

They still do not know what was wrong. Her bloodwork came back ok, although she said her rbc/wbc counts were a bit elevated. They did X-rays after and did not see anything straight away but did mention a possible mass like thing in her stomach. They are going to perform a necropsy as they are unsure what happened. In the meantime we just can’t help but run every scenario in our heads.

I hope she knows how much we loved her. I hate how much this hurts and just wish I could get her back.