I feel bad for recovering

I don't what happened but I had some realization a few weeks back and ever since have been eating a normal sized meal (and dessert afterwards) every day with things I like and not things that are just low cal.

I feel guilty though because I don't know what triggered this. I still feel ugly and fat and hate sleeping because I can feel my bloated belly.

I want to just triggered myself into relapsing again. I know it's not the best idea but I really want to be sick.