Losing Hope

I'll probably delete this. It's coming from a tertiary account. Alcohol has led me to problems for almost 13 years now. It wasn't life changing at first, but once college ended, that changed.

At this stage, alcohol isn't impacting anywhere near as bad as it used to. It's the least of what 3 trips and over 14 months of rehab gets you. You get better a little better at drinking. You got some fear in ya, more like.

While alcohol isn't impacting me the same way anymore, the impact through the years is why I am where I am. 31, some impressive credentials from years ago, but currently unemployed, very few friends, and living at his Dad's (because Mom is dead). 3 years of rehab, no job history, no super attractive skills, and a story that is an immediate red flag. It doesn't feel like I'm winning. It feels like, at 31, I'm zooming towards the end.

I called a friend of mine I've met through my rehab experiences last week. I learned a girl I had a crush on died a year ago. She actually became a nurse. It's kind of an amazing story. But then she relapsed and she's dead now. I had already relapsed, why we disconnected a few years back. Very sad to hear. Looking at my life, I'm probably heading there too.

I'll keep trying. I believe I can be sober. I've been sober for long stretches of time before. PR was 11 months. But I just need something to seep my teeth into. I need hope. But I'll try. I'll try to find the hope to keep going.