I’m a bad husband

Hey! My wife (32f) and I (32m) have been married 3 years and together for 6. We met in rehab in 2018 (both opiate addicts). I was able to get clean immediately after meeting her. Have touched a substance since.

She struggled for a little over a year. Although we were newly “dating”, it was tough. She even violated probation and went to prison for 23 days. At this time, I was a dream man. I helped watch her son while she was gone, got close with her parents and helped educate them on addiction. When she finally got clean, it was a fairy tale love story.

Since then, we’ve had 2 little girls. Her son now feels like my son. I love him so much! I was able to go from broke, to paying off her debt, my debt and even able to save hundreds of thousands of dollars. I started a real estate company and we now own 25 properties. Life is good in that area.

We’ve lived with her in laws for a long time. It’s a big house and separated. We do have some privacy. But it’s been tough. She comes from a big, loving Italian family who is very involved. Although they NEVER make me feel inferior, they are just around a lot. They will come in our house 5-10 times a day and often at all hours (not the middle of the night). I do love them very much, however, it’s caused some tension.

Porn has also been a constant in my life. I never realized how bad it was. I have since quit, however, I made mistakes during that time. I would message women and got caught doing it. I never wanted to go out and cheat. I developed weird “fantasies” (nothing criminal) but just things that my wife wasn’t comfortable doing. This lead me to just being a dumbass. Disrespectful as well. I loved my wife but developed a bit of an addiction.

Although I have rectified that issue (in terms of watching porn and any form of infidelity), my wife is of course not comfortable around me intimately. We’ve have long discussions. She does forgive me (I don’t forgive myself) but she naturally can’t feel vulnerable around me.

There is a part of me that totally understands healing is on her terms. However, there’s an insecure part of that me that thinks “it’s never going to get better”. This causes me to be a whiny little bitch. I don’t put her down, or call her names, but I just feel so anxious and let it be known.

I DONT WANT TO BE THIS WAY. I know I don’t deserve her love. I know I’m a piece of shit. We get a long in every other area. I don’t even care about sex. I just want to be intimate with my wife. However, I’m struggling to be patient. Not because “I deserve better” but I fear she’ll just never heal. Sometimes I wonder if I should just leave so she can move on.

Feel free to absolutely destroy me. I probably deserve if