AITA for wedding planning while my mother is in chemo

Hi everyone,

For context:

Last year my partner and I got engaged and planned to start wedding planning when I was finished my program at school. I am going to be 30 soon enough, and am eager to get married and begin trying for babies. That has always been very important to me.

2 months ago, we learned my mom has late stage pancreatic cancer. Inoperable and terminal. This has obviously been tremendously hard on everyone but of course firstly her. Mom and I are close and I struggle to see the point of doing anything without her, including getting married.

A few days ago she began the most aggressive form of chemo. Mom is having a hard time physically (in agony, unable to eat) but even more so emotionally. She won’t allow anyone to talk about much in terms of timeline or planning. She won’t allow the doctors to give her any kind of estimate at her life expectancy or what the back up plans are etc. All we really know is that chemo should extend her life, but even if she’s able to continue tolerating: that life may truly only be months.

While my mom and I have always been close, perhaps in a codependent sort of way (I have always been the parentified eldest child with a very shitty father), lately I am not able to talk to her at all. Of course I know she’s dealing with so much, that this feels selfish to even say. I get all of that. Anything I say to her is wrong it seems. Even though everyone regards me as a really good person to seek support from, she seems to appreciate everyone more than me. Seeing her in pain rips my literal heart out. But it has made it hard to make any kind of plans for my life. I bounce back and forth between wanting to completely halt my life and knowing that at 30, I’m at a really pivitol point. Obviously, I want to prioritize getting married so my mom can be there.

Today we looked at a venue that has limited dates due to the timeline we’re looking at. It was perfect and we loved it, but it looks like early October will be when we could pull it off. I have struggled so much in feeling like the scum of the earth trying to do this happy thing for me and my husband while my mom is suffering and dying. But the truth is, I don’t think I’ll be able to have a wedding when she passes. I doubt I’ll see any point.

What complicates things is my husband to be obviously really would like to marry me. Trying to balance his feelings and knowing that I want him to get a day that celebrates us is important to me too. We have been through more in our 5 years together in our twenties than most go through in their 50s.

What would you do? Continue wedding planning and pray for the best? Or devout all your energy and attention into your mom.