jar of paper stars

I was moving back home for the summer today (home home, real home), and found this jar of paper stars my ex had made for me for my birthday, last year. One hundred multicoloured paper stars, that I remember she hand folded for maybe a month straight, just little by little. And, I knew a couple of them had small messages in them that I was forbidden to read, cuz she said that they wouldn't come true if I did. You're supposed to make a wish if you get a hundred paper stars (that's what she told me), and I wished at the time that we'd stay together forever, and I thought that since the wish didn't come true after all it didn't hurt to see what she had written for me.

Some of the messages:

"I wish you health"

"I wish you happiness"

"I wish you yummy food"

"I wish you friends"

"I wish you success"

"I wish you love (and I hope that it'd be with me)"

... and a few other ones like that.

I had just gotten kicked out of first year uni the summer before. I was in a premed program, really high high school grades and I spent a good portion of my life and sacrificed a small part of my soul to get there. I waited two months to tell her, because I knew that this would be the end. She's the type of person to be so supportive that it hurts her. Cheering me on until her voice got hoarse. Waving her hands and jumping up and down until her arms and legs were sore. I remember giving her so much grief about calling me too much or calling me too little, and going to parties without me. Confronted her about it cause I thought she was cheating on me out there, and haha in hindsight I think I can still agree with myself that it wasn't completely unfounded (going to frats w her girls, those weird ass halloween costume parties too bruh). I think it was because, her life went on, even when I thought that mine had stopped completely, and that made me pretty freaking jealous. I really really didn't like myself very much, and I think that when you don't like yourself, it's hard to imagine anyone else would like you at all. At the time, I really didn't understand why that when I brought it up, that I thought she might be cheating on me, she had been crying so hard.

I cried really hard today, because each time I opened a paper star I desperately wanted to find something selfish that said "I wish for us to be together", or "I wish you'd never leave me" or something that I'd think to write that wasn't just so stupidly selfless and well-wishing and I hoped, to God, I hoped that she really was cheating on me because I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life before. Everything in there was good things she wanted for me. Even when we were so happy together, truly happy, before everything, she wished me love and only hoped that it'd be with her. You really don't realize how much someone loves you until they're gone, that's real. You don't realize how much someone loves you until you've done everything in your power to drive them away and then some, and they're still making you cry with how much they care 7 months later, by yourself in your closet.

When I drove to her house to exchange stuff we had from each other, 7 months ago, I told her I loved her and she replied that she still cares about me, and that stuck with me and hurt so badly because I convinced myself that that meant she didn't love me anymore. I think I lied, to myself. I think, that caring for someone like that, that's what love is.

Picked my ass back up, watched all 22 episodes of your lie in april, cried some more and booted up this subreddit. What can you do man.