Romanticizing pregnancy.

I (38F) am really struggling lately with the way I'm thinking about pregnancy. In my core I know that I would struggle hard-core with being pregnant. I know I would be absolutely miserable, like the mother in "We Need to Talk About Kevin" miserable. I would hate every second of it. The weight gain, water retention, stretch marks, peeing all the time, swollen feet, changing clothing sizes, all of it would make me have a breakdown. I have a long history of anorexia. I know pregnancy would be a nightmare. Childbirth would be a horror show. I have a history of mental illness. I know I would most likely have post partum depression. I know all of this would overwhelm me and I would most likely end up suicidal. A fetus is a parasite essentially.

However, my brain likes to tell me that being pregnant would be a life-changing, transformative experience, and that I would come out of it with more love and respect for myself. I would be one of those glowing pregnant women. My mother tells me that feeling life growing inside of you is a feeling unlike any other. She talks about it like it was the most beautiful experience, like it gave her perspective.

But I have always been horrified by the thought of giving birth, and of being pregnant, and giving birth, from the time I first realized how a baby is born. I never wanted that experience, the pain, the trauma, the violation. That's what it would be for me...traumatic.

But there are days when it is so hard to push away those thoughts that maybe I would be more loving and more nurturing from pregnancy. Maybe I would change for the better. Maybe I need something like that to make me less selfish. Maybe I am too focused on how my body looks. Maybe I am too vain. Maybe I need an upheaval to shift the way I see life. Every woman I talk to about having kids says it's the best thing she has ever done, that she grew up, grew as a person, realized what mattered.

I feel so lost in life. And I think I know that I'm struggling to find meaning, and that is why pregnancy seems attractive to me at times. That amount of love is the thing that attracts me, the thought of loving and being loved. I don't think I know what love is. I want to feel less alone, more connected. I want to feel whole. I know the thought that pregnancy or a baby could achieve that is immature and selfish. But the way people talk about pregnancy like it's this miraculous, beautiful experience you don't want to miss out on, is tough.

I know that not having children is best for me mentally. I know I couldn't handle motherhood or pregnancy or childbirth. But it makes me feel flawed, and I want to believe the hype. I see women who look cute pregnant and think maybe I would love it. Maybe it's just FOMO. Anyone relate?

PS- I'm so scared I'm going to be attacked for saying all of this. I just need to hear from people who understand.