psychotic in the kroger.

was hanging out with my boyfriend today and suddenly felt weird; a little high, detached from my body, kind of dizzy. he left for work and i went to kroger.

suddenly it hits. i’m looking all around, totally stuck in one place. i keep repeating things to myself like “i wouldn’t worry about it” or “very very stressful” or “we’re with you, (my name)” over and over again. i can’t stop talking like that to myself. i can’t stop thinking about the government. i can’t focus on shopping at all. but i eventually get all my shit and finish the trip. i’m rocking back and forth on my feet while checking out. blasting my favorite song on the way home so i can just drive for 6 minutes without losing it.

i come home and tell my neighbor i’m psychotic and things are “very loud right now” and he just looks at me with sadness. i put my food away. i put my clothes away. i put on jimmy kimmel’s show for noise and company. i don’t tell my boyfriend what happened. i don’t tell anyone else. i play a game on my phone for a while. i have a white claw and a few puffs of a cigarette and calm down.

i have work tomorrow. i feel like this isn’t going to get better. i feel like i’m screwed. i feel alone.