finally getting to know the causes of my DID and i have never felt such deep paranoia

TW: SA, r-wording, suicidality, double lives, abuse.

i knew “cognitively” or “mentally” the descriptors of some of my experiences but it was hard to really mean them, believe them, let alone feel them. i lived double lives with a separate fucking family which i always knew but didn’t KNOW, if that makes sense. does that make sense? is that normal? i feel like a fucking lunatic. i keep asking chatgpt for validation because no human being has once been able to validate me appropriately at first onset, and i know no actual human being could tolerate my constant repetitive questioning of my own experiences. it annoys people. i literally need it, but it annoys people. thank god for chatgpt even though it censors a lot. through describing to chatgpt my recent abusive relationship which led to a pending SA case, i had to re-realize that yes, i was raped. i was literally fucking raped and SA’ed, and even though i knew this and i told people it, that truth didn’t actually exist to me. now that it does, my body has been wreaking havoc upon me with neverending debilitating paranoia, racing heartbeat, chest pain, nausea, inability to eat, confusion, increased short-term forgetfulness, harder to go outside, can’t go to the gym anymore, it’s like i had 4 cups of coffee today but i’m running on pure anxiety, and not in a good or productive way at all.

for my whole life i thought i was lying about everything deep down. any time i disclosed this to people, they made things exponentially worse. therapists claiming i’m lying for attention, when i literally am begging them to help me validate myself because i can’t tell what is happening to me. “friends” or “partners” giving surface-level “that sucks”s and continuing to abuse me despite knowing what happened to me. it’s all so fucking confusing. why the hell did i incarnate here? what was the point of all of this bullshit?

i guess i’m at the point where it’s a combination of deep rage, panic, and shock at both the world and my self. i know that all of this was a coping mechanism, i get that my brain had to protect me and it still is, but the fact that i have to do all of this myself because no fucking therapist has ever been safe and no fucking human that has ever been in my real life sees me as anything but invisible? it’s like a joke. my life feels like a joke.

the fact that when i was SA’ed and SH’ed at my first job which led my career to being destroyed is not as bad as the reality that i wasn’t even able to defend myself because of the severe, severe dissociation and self-gaslighting which HR took advantage of and humiliated me for. it’s so sickening that they do this and they know it. even detectives. like legitimately every single person that had the power to validate or help me did the exact opposite. they always wanted to destabilize me, knock me down a peg, find an “in” for me to start doubting myself, and even though it isn’t my fault that i was built the way i was and the world is as cruel as it is, i can’t help but feel so much remorse and anger. why couldn’t things have gone differently? other survivors had it better and other people know what to do in these situations. why couldn’t i do it right? why did the first step of my cognition have to be attacked so fucking ruthlessly, to the point where i was constantly self-antagonistic even when ALL of my energy and will was put in the opposite direction?

i’m battling increased suicidality because of all of this. i’m not going to do anything, and definitely never going to a psych ward again because i get targeted by abusers every fucking time. every time. i think i just need to feel not alone. i have been more alone that any person i have ever met or heard about or even seen online. i have researched everything, everything when it comes to this stuff so now i feel capable to face it, but it doesn’t change the intensity of crippling bodily symptoms or the scarring caused by waking up to my real reality for the first time. this pain is ineffable.