how do i cope with my dad aging and the worry that he will die

i feel like i don’t really know where to start but i’ll try to lay it out as best as i can while keeping it somewhat short. not sure if nsfw but some of the details are a bit graphic so i put it on anyway.

my dad is 78. my mom is 60. my sister is 26. i am 23.

my mom is extremely abusive toward the entire family. my sister and i have moved out and live a couple hours away, but my dad is stuck with her. she is verbally and mentally abusive. she constantly berates him, puts him down, and criticizes him over EVERYTHING he does. she makes him drive everywhere. whether it’s just out to dinner, or nearly 3 hours to come visit me this weekend for my college graduation. he is getting older and slowing down and his driving is not the best anymore. but she still expects him to drive.

growing up, my dad worked a full time job while my mom worked 2 overnight shifts a week as a nurse. when i was 8, my grandpa moved in with me. he slowly became ill and my mom stopped working so that she could take care of him full time at home. this slowly became a nightmare for my sister and i. he became VERY sick. our downstairs living room (we had two living rooms) was turned into his bedroom. he was unsteady on his feet and eventually got a life alert necklace. but before that, he had several disastrous falls at the house. one time he fell in the bathroom and he cracked his head open on the toilet. i found him. i will never forget that sight. there was so much blood it looked like a crime scene. i was 11. he eventually got a commode to use in his room so he wouldn’t have to walk to the bathroom. the house smelled of feces constantly. one time we were at a restaurant and my grandpas heart stopped at the dinner table. my mom did cpr on him while my sister and i watched and cried. my dad was away on a business trip (which he RARELY went on). when the ambulance came and they loaded my grandpa inside, my mom was about to hop in with him. i think she forgot my sister and i were there. i was 12.

he survived this and had an internal defibrillator installed in case it happened again. and it did happen again. several times. my mom, having to deal with all of this, almost COMPLETELY stopped caring for my sister and i.

so my dad took care of two young girls while working full time. his daily routine looked like this: wake up at 5am and get ready for work. wake up my older sister, get her ready and drive her to school. come home and wake me up and drive me to school, then drive directly to work. my mom would pick us up from school and return us home to continue care for my grandpa. my dad would come home from work around 6pm and cook dinner for the whole family. my mom has not cooked a single meal for the whole family ever in her life. then he would help us with our homework and tuck us into bed. then do it all again the next day.

my grandpa eventually passed when i was 14. we begged my mom to put him in hospice or something because we really didn’t want him to die in our home. my mom refused because she said it would be selfish. the night he died his defibrillator kept shocking him back to life until the ambulance came. the ambulance took him to the hospital and we followed in our car. when we got there they deactivated the defibrillator and he passed. so technically he didn’t die in our home. but he might as well have.

flash forward to now. my dad is a type 2 diabetic and it has gotten worse within the last year to the point he needs to take insulin daily and with meals. i am a type one diabetic so i understand, which i think comforts him a little bit that we are in the diabetes club together lol. he has a really bad issue and can barely stand up straight. it hurts him to walk and he is noticeably constantly in pain. the pain has made him a bit grumpy and short. which of course, makes my mom feel like she is completely in the right with treating him horribly. he also had a minor heart attack about 2 weeks ago. he is still in the process of trying to figure out what is going on with his heart, but he does have a history of going into a-fib so the heart thing wasn’t a big shock to us he has it mostly under control. for now.

my parents just came up this weekend for my college graduation and my sister and i both had a conversation last night where we agreed he doesn’t look well. we love him with all our hearts. he is our rock, and got us through our rough childhoods. he had children late so we feel sad that we have to go through with him this at such a young age. he looks older. i feel like he looks a lot older every time i see him. and my heart can’t handle it. i’m scared that soon it will be another situation like my grandpa. and my mom (with her savior complex) will swoop in and “take care of him” while stripping him of all his dignity. lord please forbid, if he passes i will never forgive my mom for the way she has treated him. i can’t even bear the thought of how she will act after he is gone. she will eat up all the attention because no one knows how she treats him behind closed doors. my dad has confided in my sister and i that he is a bit depressed, but he always keeps himself together and keeps a positive outlook on life i think for the family’s sake.

there’s so much more i could say but this is long already and all over the place. bottom line is i don’t know how to cope with watching my dad get older, knowing he is unhappy at home and im not there. i can’t bear the thought of losing him…i just don’t know what i will do or how i will go on.